Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Torment Me Songfic ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Author’s Note: I don’t own Saiyuki and make no claims on it. All rights remain with the creator(s). The song used here is called Torment Me and is by a band called Suicide Commando. All rights for the song remain with the creator(s) and I make no claims on it.
 
 
** indicates internal conversations
 
Torment Me Songfic
 
 
Let the devils torment you….
 
 
I gripped the sides of my head hard, nearly pulling out strands of hair by the roots. He needed to shut up. He needed to shut up and stop sounding so reasonable. So utterly right.
 
**Let the devils torment you. It’s what you deserve, what you want, isn’t it?**
 
 
Let the devils punish you….
 
 
I moaned softly, squeezing my eyes tightly shut. He spoke nothing but the truth. I did deserve the torment of devils for what I’d done. I deserved that and more.
 
**Let the devils punish you. It’s their right now because of what you are. Don’t you want to be absolved of your sins?**
 
My shoulders slumped. He was right. A demon should be responsible for punishing another demon for whatever atrocities they got up to. When I thought of it that way, it actually made sense. I opened my eyes and stared at the walls of the castle, carefully not looking at the body of my beloved that would be forever out of my reach or the body of Chin Yisou that’d been the final push to turn me into what I’d set out to destroy. When my mind touched on what I now was, hysteria bubbled up and edged into laughter. I idly wondered if I could now be considered part of Chin Yisou’s clan since it was through them that I came into being a demon.
 
My laugh stopped abruptly and a shudder travelled over me at the idea of belonging to a demon clan and I groaned as I struggled to my feet. I refused to stay another moment in what I now viewed as my cursed birthplace. One hand tried to keep my insides from slip-sliding to my outsides through the hole Chin Yisou punched in my belly. The other hand trailed along the wall for support as I staggered out of the castle. The only reason I was bothering to make an effort to live was because I knew Kana would chew me up one side and down the other in the afterlife if I simply lay down and waited to die. I never wanted to disappoint her again, so I lurched out into the rain-soaked night with vague ideas of getting help.
 
I walked for what seemed like forever. I had no idea where I was going. I just placed one foot in front of the other until I couldn’t do that anymore and fell to the dirt, my strength gone. I heard a voice asking me if I was okay, and when I turned my head, saw blood sluicing off someone’s head in a brilliant flash of lightening. Just before blackness sucked me under, a crooked smile passed over my lips at the inane thought that we made a fine, wounded pair.
 
 
Punish, scraping the flesh
Pleasure, raping your soul
Rotten, breeding aggression
Reaper, rip out your soul
Crucified, bring on the heathen
Exorcised, bring on the demons
Sacrificed, bring on the evil
Parasite, bring on your death to me
 
 
Agony radiated out from my belly and dragged me from the cottony depths of my mind where nothing hurt and the past few months never occurred. I wanted to scream in pain both mental and physical, but couldn’t seem to find my voice. A eerily calm, detached part of my brain offered that this could very well be the punishment I’d been seeking earlier. Oddly, I hadn’t expected physical pain to be part of my punishment. It felt like red-hot blades were scraping across my flesh where my belly had been split open, and I could feel fingers playing inside me where fingers were never meant to go.
 
I briefly wondered if I actually had died and was now in hell, suffering for my crimes.
 
**No, you’re not dead. Yet. I’m not ready for that to happen right now and neither are you. There’s too much I want to do first. You’ve kept me locked away, deep in your mind for far too long to let the chance of a little mayhem to slip through my fingers. We’re going to live through this, Gonou.**
 
I felt my heart stutter and someone swear loudly before it settled back into a strong rhythm. The demon laughed and I felt chilled to the bone.
 
**What? You didn’t really think that I came into being from nothingness, did you? Oh no. I’ve always been lurking in the dark. Waiting. Hoping. Knowing that one day, something would push you that tiny little bit I needed to finally be set free. It is going to be an absolute pleasure raping your soul of all those high ideals and kind nature you’ve worked so hard to cultivate.**
 
I gasped at the delight in the voice that spoke directly into my mind. What he said couldn’t possibly be true. I wasn’t a bad person. I wasn’t. I tried to do what was right. I consistently put others above my own needs out of a genuine desire to help. Yes, sometimes I lost my temper, but everybody did that now and again. I wouldn’t be human if I never got angry.
 
**But you’re not human. At least, you’re not any more. You’re rotten to the core now, Gonou. Not that it was a very big fall from grace in the first place. You’ll live, youkai healing being what it is, and you’ll get stronger than you ever dreamed possible. Then… then it’ll be all about breeding the aggression we both know festers in you. You’re going to be so much more than the weak human you’ve been up to this point. You’ve got it in you to be one of the strongest youkai the world has seen in a very long time. I can smell it.**
 
I tossed my head from side-to-side and flailed my arms. No. I wouldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let that happen. This wasn’t real. I was delirious.
 
**You wish. You think you can stop it, stop me, somehow? You think those limiters you slapped on will do anything when we both know how badly you want to be free to be who you really are? You even had to use three of them to contain all that wonderful youkai spirit. You know what I am to you, Gonou? I’m the Reaper and I’m going to rip out your soul and eat it so we’re not bothered by that troublesome piece of moralizing fluff again.**
 
I finally found my voice and shrieked a denial. I hadn’t made it out of the castle leaking blood and trailing my own innards to be defeated by whatever inner demons decided to torment me. I was stronger than that. I knew I was. I thrashed madly as I struggled to break free of the haze coating my mind, and screamed again when I felt my arms stretched out and secured. I tried to kick out and had my feet bound as well. My thoughts screeched to a halt at the quick and efficient binding of my limbs, panic starting to take hold. The demon began to giggle manically at my distress.
 
My heart pounded in terror. I recognized this position of restraint and every scrap of knowledge I had about it did nothing to calm me. I’d had the image of the pose driven into my brain as a child. Despite the fire searing through my belly, I struggled against what bound me, fear lending me strength to avoid being crucified. I knew what was in store for me now. I could hear the dry words of the priests from the orphanage in my mind demanding to bring on the heathen so their soul could be saved.
 
The demon in my mind barked out a demented laugh. **You know what they’re going to do, Gonou? They hope you can be exorcised. They have no idea you’re not possessed. Know what I say? Bring it on, and I’ll bring on the demons. They don’t know what they’re fucking with. Join me. Together, we can break free. It’s your only option.**
 
I moaned and went slack against what held me down. The demon was right once again. I couldn’t break free by myself. A shudder worked through me at the knowledge that I needed the demon’s aid. Another moan escaped me when I understood what I had to do. I felt like I’d just sacrificed my soul and given the demon a carte blanche to bring on the evil.
 
**I don’t want this and I don’t like this choice I’m being forced to make, but I have no other recourse. All right, parasite, bring on your version of death to me. Understand this though; once we’re free, I’ll go back to doing everything I can to beat you into submission. If I managed to keep you chained for the majority of my life without knowing I was doing it, I can, in all likelihood, continue to do so with a little more concentrated effort.**
 
The demon laughed again and I could almost see him rubbing his hands together in gleeful anticipation. I didn’t trust him and never would. I’d spend the rest of my life restraining him and whatever harm he might do. That was obviously going to be my penance for the rest of my life for the actions I’d taken. It was a burden I’d willingly bear.
 
 
Torment me; I want to feel your pain
Torment m; this is no stupid game
Torment me; I want to feel your pain
Torment me….
 
 
**I need raw power to make this work, Gonou. Get mad. Make me angry. Torment me. I’ll take your agony, too. I want to feel the sweet kiss of your pain. It tastes like candy. I need that deep, burning fury you squash down every day of your life if I’m going to make this work.**
 
**What?** I stuttered, confused by what he was asking of me. I’d thought my capitulation, reluctant as it was, would be enough.
 
**Rage against me and this situation. Torment me. Give me that fiery wrath you try so hard to extinguish. I need everything you have to give, Gonou. Everything. This is no stupid game. Do you want to be free or not? Dig deep. I want it all. I need it all.**
 
I cast about mentally, at a complete loss for what I was to do. How did I give him my anger? Couldn’t he simply take what he needed? I floundered, unable to do what the demon asked. I tried one last time to break free on my own and struggled weakly against my bonds, twisting my head away from the cool touch of a hand on my brow. I went slack when I realized how truly pointless my struggles were without the aid of the demon. He growled low, a dangerous, yet somehow satisfied sound even to my ears.
 
**What a lovely, annoying way to torment me. You’re wonderful when you go all submissive.** I bristled and felt anger surge through me. **Ahhh, struck a nerve there, did I? Good. Feed me that anger. Now, I want to feel your pain, Gonou.**
 
A gentle tingling sensation started in my fingertips and toes. It didn’t stay gentle for long. It felt like my skin was stretching painfully outward; as if there was a great pressure building inside me that was trying to burst forth. I panted against the agony that was far worse than the wound to my stomach. My back arched and I heard several snaps as my arms and legs came free. I screamed at a pitch I was sure nothing human could hear and a sound like wet silk ripping filled my ears. The pressure vanished and an amazing sense of… force enveloped me.
 
I heard people yelling and things being knocked over. Someone was swearing loudly and colourfully in a continuous stream. The demon gave a whoop of joy and fizzy warmth surrounded me. Power rushed through me making me sigh in pleasure. I floated mentally, relaxed for the first time in… I couldn’t remember when. I was, for lack of a better word, blissful.
 
 
Let the devil torment you….
 
 
**Feels good, doesn’t it, Gonou? See what comes of letting the devil torment you? Unlocks power you never knew you possessed is what. Feel free to thank me.**
 
I could almost hear the demon preening, monstrously pleased with himself. The warm rush vanished. I didn’t want more power. More specifically, I didn’t want the demon to have more power. I groaned out a denial at the new turn of events.
 
 
Torment me, torment me
Destroy me, despise me, disgust me
 
 
The demon had helped me break free of the restraints, but he’d also taken it in steps that I’m sure he knew would torment me. I mustered what strength I had and forced my eyes open. A man with hair the colour of blood leaned over me, muttering swear words under his breath.
 
“Take it easy, man. We just got your guts back into you. I’m sorry we had to strap you down while we stuffed them back inside you, but you wouldn’t stay still. The stitching job is crap and you’re gonna have a hell of a scar, but the doc says you’re gonna make it as long as we can keep infection away.”
 
It took everything I had to bring my hand up and grip the blood stained wife-beater he was wearing. My lips moved but no sound came out. He leaned closer until I could see the tiny flecks of maroon in his ruby red eyes. I’d only had my eyes open a short time, but they were already feeling heavy and it was taking an incredible amount of energy to keep them open.
 
“Destroy me,” I demanded. The demon inside me couldn’t be allowed to have access to the kind of power I’d felt flood my system and my death was the only way I could think of to prevent that.
 
**Coward. That’s not your real reason and we both know it. You now know how powerful we can be and it scares you. You despise me and what you’ve become so you’re going to give up. I never thought you’d be such a wimp. You disgust me, Gonou,** the demon said with a sneer in his voice.
 
“Destroy me,” I persisted. It had to be done now before I gained additional strength and became even more dangerous than I believed I already was. I didn’t need or want the torment of knowing I could be a danger to those around me.
 
“Huh? Your lips are moving but nothing is coming out. I think you screamed yourself hoarse when we were stitching you up. Either that or during that weird green glow surrounded you when you busted loose from the ropes. Hey, don’t worry about it, man. You can tell me later. The doc gave you some shit that should be knocking you out soon. I’ll be right here in case you wake up and need anything. I’m Gojyo by the way.”
 
Ahhh, so to continue to live was to be part of my torment. My eyes slid closed and I felt my consciousness slipping away. Just before I sank into blackness, I heard the demon start to laugh again and whistle a jaunty tune. He was obviously pleased with his actions and the fact that my demands weren’t going to be met. Anger sparked to life in me and the demon whistled even louder. I could almost see him doing a little jig in my mind. He obviously thought he’d won. He wasn’t going to be allowed to win. I’d do whatever I needed to ensure that. If he thought he was going to have free rein to torment me or wreck havoc on the world around me, he had another thing coming. My mind firmed.
 
We’d just see who was the tormentor and who was the tormented then.