❯ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! – One-Shot

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

« Wait, Shuuko! » Icchan said. « Where are you going? »

« Where do you think? » Shuuko said. « Misaki and I are going back to our home town. »

« But I thought you were going to marry me! »

« What? Is THAT what you thought? Well, you know what they say: when you assume… »

« NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! »

After Shuuko left, Icchan spent a whole day crying emo tears. Finally, a young woman entered his room.

« Who are you? » he asked.

« I’m Chitose, » she said. « You called me earlier about my job application being accepted. I’m here to start work. »

Icchan took one look at Chitose, and quickly forgot about Shuuko.

A year later, Icchan and Chitose were getting married.

« I object! » Ogata shouted, interrupting the ceremony. « Chief, I love you and want to have your MPreg babies! »

« Not gonna happen! » Icchan said. « And your penalty for interrupting is to have yaoi with Ojiro! »

« NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! »

Sometime later, they tried to have kids but were unable to conceive. Chitose went to a fertility clinic to get answers, but she didn’t like what she heard.

« I’m afraid you’ll never be able to carry a child to term, » the doctor said.

« I can’t has babies? » asked Chitose.

« I’m sorry. »

« NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! » she was too sad to speak afterward.

A few months later, a depressed Chitose was lured into the lab by Icchan. She could hardly believe what she saw.

« Here’s our daughter! » said Icchan.

« Really? » replied Chitose. « Looks more like a robot to me. »

« Well, she’s not »

« And what exactly makes her not a robot? »

« She doesn’t have the Three Laws of Robotics in her program. »

« That’s the dumbest reasoning I’ve ever heard. »

While Icchan was crying anime tears, Chitose turned on the not-robot.

« Hi, Mommy! My name’s Freya! » she said.

« Hi, Freya! » replied Chitose.

Freya turned to Icchan. « I love you, Daddy! »

Icchan smiled. « I love you too, » he said.

« No, you don’t get it, I LOVE you… »

A bit later, Elda was created. Things seemed to be going great, until Freya started breaking down on them.

« Daddy! » Freya pleaded. « What part of ‘I love you’ don’t you understand? »

« Oh, » Icchan said. « You mean THAT kind of love. Sorry, I don’t do incest, nor do I do it with not-robots. »

« That’s okay. It’s too late anyway. »

« What do you mean, Freya? » Icchan said. « Freya? »

Freya had already crapped out.

« NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! »

A week later, Icchan and Chitose were in the living room.

« We have to get rid of Elda! » Icchan cried. « She might end up like Freya! »

« Get a grip, » Chitose said. « Let’s wait and see before deciding anything. »

« You’re right. I’ll be at the office if anything else – » suddenly, Icchan slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck.

« NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! » Chitose cried out, unable to bear it any longer.

« Elda, » she said. « I’m gonna throw you out with the trash. This will somehow hook you up with a boyfriend. »

« Mommy, I think grief has driven you mad, » said Elda.

« Besides, what’s a CLAMP series without mommy issues? »

After wiping Elda’s memory, Chitose left her out by a nearby trash can.

« Damn, those not-robots are heavy, » Chitose said. « I’m just glad that’s over with. Now, what will I have for dinner? »

THE END