FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Grand Slam Evangelion ( Chapter 11 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Shinji opened the bedroom door to find a girl in her underwear, lying on his
bed. « Miss Nagisa? How– what the hell are you doing here? »

Kaoru smiled. « Can’t a girl express affection towards a boy? »

A frustrated Shinji’s head bowed so he may massage his temples. « You don’t have
to say, ‘I love you.’ Hell, you should forget about finding Adam and initiating
the Third Impact, » which shocked the undressed Angel. « Mister Sidewinder has
nothing but contempt for, I quote, ‘Environmentalist loonies who think the human
race should be exterminated or go extinct, to save the planet Earth.’
Correction: he has nothing but contempt, and bullets with the environmentalist
loonies’ names on them. »

« Goddamn it! » Kaoru began battering the pillow to vent her anger. « I assume
you have a secret weapon that can pierce my AT field and kill me, if I decide to
initiate the Third Impact? »

« No, but I’m not the one you should fear– remember when the author turned the
story into a ‘Transformers’ crossover, and set Thunderwing upon the Fifth
Angel? »

« Thunder– you mean the five robots that combined to form a giant, golden
devil?! »

« Bingo. »

Kaoru dared not voice the question ‘How badly can the author fuck up this
story?’ fearing its answer. « Since Herr Sidewinder drove a bulldozer through
the Fourth Wall, may I ask what will occur between us? An exchange of bullets–
well, bullets in your case, cruciform projections from my AT field in mine? »

« I’m hoping we can live and let live, but if you insist on following the script,
I’ll live and let die. »

The Angel caught the reference to a ‘James Bond 007’ film. « What if I try
seducing you, we make love, and then you turn the tables by convincing me to
defect? »

« That’s fine. » The Stormbringer pilot watched as Kaoru unhooked her brassiere;
then he swept the Angel to his side, searing her lips with his passion as her
hands tore at his shirt.




Amarao stood before Unit 00, his attention divided between the script, and a
book titled ‘Not-So-Smart Person’s Guide to Evangelions’. « Okay, I don’t
have… whatever Tabris has… but my NO channel can substitute for it. » He
faced the Eva. « Come, proxy to Adam and servant to the Lilim. » Unit 00’s
cyclopean eye burned like brimstone as the fighting machine was activated.
« Then I, » he frowned at the script, « fly, and make the Eva fly with me? I wish
Raharu was here, » he used another of Haruko’s aliases. « How…? »


Makoto reported, « AT field detected in Central Dogma! » the Command Center.

« Is it, » Misato double-checked the screen before her, « Unit 00? »

« No, spectrum analysis indicates, » the lieutenant frowned, « a NO channel? »

The screen now showed two lawn chairs floating down the elevator shaft beneath
the Command Center. Amarao’s seat hung from 45 weather balloons. Unit 00’s
seat– ‘Where did he get a chair that big?’ everyone wondered– hung from 1000.

Misato dialed the number to Amarao’s mobile phone. « Commander Amarao, what the
hell are you doing?! »

The Soviet double-checked the script. « I’m supposed to get to Terminal Dogma,
reach Lilith, and debate existentialism with myself. » Lilith, the 2nd Angel,
was imprisoned at the NERV facility. « Then I’m supposed to, » Amarao frowned at
a line, « ask Shinji to kill me? »

« That’s Kaoru’s role! » the tactician protested. « She’s an Angel with the power
to initiate the Third Impact, if she comes in contact with Lilith! You’re a
just man with no brain! » The NO channel manifested in the braincase, making
x-rays show empty space where the brain was.

Amarao was angered– tried to look angry, but without a « killer instinct, » he
only looked constipated. « I know, but she’s not answering calls from SEELE, so
I must perform a duty none are willing to perform: dying to advance the plot. »
The Soviet looked down, and then at the script. « You should close the bulkheads
to delay my arrival to Terminal Dogma, nyet? »

Gendo drank from a water bottle to wash down a handful of aspirin. « Whatever. »
‘Hurry, Fukuda-kun! Hurry!’


Kaoru was at a department store, shopping for swimsuits, when she sensed
Amarao’s Ersatz AT field. « Holy…! » She telepathically called SEELE to
session, remembered her bikini top was untied, and barely covered her breasts
before the others replied. « What in God’s name are you doing?! »

Although the SEELE members manifested as monoliths, Kaoru knew they were
frowning. « So the prodigal child returns our calls, » a monolith growled.

« The author skipped six Angel attacks and 11 episodes, to introduce you. We are
revising the scenario to correct the problems this caused, » Keel added.

« With an Ersatz Angel and its Ersatz S² organ?! »

« We took such measures because the real thing consistently failed to meet our
expectations. »

Sarcasm dripped from angelic words, like venom from a fang, as she said, « Then I
apologize for having a brilliant mind to go with my radiant soul. To make
amends, I’ll help you reach the end of this story with your minds and bodies
intact, as I do– assuming you had minds to begin with. »

A SEELE member began, « Insolent…! »

« Forget her, » Lorenz interrupted. « If she refuses to play her role, she no
longer has a place in our scenario. »

« Then I wish you luck, considering the author refuses to follow your plans. »
With that, Kaoru cut the telepathic link, got dressed, and– two swimsuits on
coat hangers, slung over her shoulder– rushed to a counter to make a purchase
before an emergency was declared.



A ‘Neon Genesis Evangelion’ story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2010.
Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.


Maya wore a blue plug suit– like the TV series’ plot, Shinji junked it when he
received a replacement, the olive-drab suit designed for the US military–
imitating the Third Children’s voice as she read, « No, no, no! You’re lying!
Amarao-kun is an Angel?! You must be lying! »

« It’s true. You can’t deny the evidence before you, » Misato read her lines in
Episode 24. « Sortie–« 

The doors opened to admit the disguised Angel. « Fifth Child, Kaoru Nagisa,
reporting for duty! » she saluted.

The tactician frowned. « What are you doing here? »

« You sent Evangelion Unit 05 to Germany, on SEELE’s orders– no one wants to
play Troy to the Eva’s Trojan Horse– so I’m here in case you need a backup
pilot, » Kaoru answered.

« But Terminal Dogma–« 

« Will become a slaughterhouse in Herr Sidewinder’s hands, » the disguised Angel

Shinji radioed, « Frag out! » before Unit 03 dropped a GBU-43 Massive Ordnance
Airburst (MOAB) bomb down the elevator shaft.

Boom! The weapon– nicknamed « Mother of All Bombs, » it weighed 10.25 metric
tons, with 8.48 tons of explosives– shook walls, cracked floor tiles, broke
light bulbs, and popped 1045 weather balloons.

« Correction: it’s already a slaughterhouse. Do you want to put yourself on the
author’s cutting board? » Kaoru countered.

Misato shivered. « Good point. » An alarm drowned out Amarao’s screams, the
Soviet’s impact on the next bulkhead, and Evangelion Unit 00’s impact on him.
« What the…? »

« Major Katsuragi, Tokyo-2 just issued Special Order Alpha-801! » Makoto reported.

« An 801? » ‘So soon?’ In ‘The End of Evangelion’, the order was given after
Shinji killed the disguised Angel.

« Affirmative; the Japanese government has terminated NERV’s extralegal
protection; they’re taking control over the organization and its assets. »

« But NERV is a UN agency! The Japanese government has no jurisdiction over us! »
The tactician caught Gendo’s absence. « And where the hell is Commander
Ikari?! »

« He left to oversee the Eva cages’ defenses, » the brunette answered.

Kaoru recalled a devil in the details. « Wait, Herr Sidewinder gave Units 03 and
06 to the US and Soviet Air Forces, who made ‘their’ Evangelions
nuclear-capable. » Makoto’s mouth opened to correct her, but shut it when the
disguised Angel continued, « American and Soviet soldiers are here to guard their
WMD! If Washington or Moscow thinks Tokyo-2 is trying to seize…? »

The Command Center personnel tried to predict the consequences; the obvious
answer struck like a blizzard. « Shit! » they simultaneously cursed.

« Hyuga, call the US embassy! Maya, call the Soviets! » Misato ordered. « We must
not let Japanese politicians start a nuclear war! » White lights were shutoff,
replaced by red emergency lights when an alarm sounded. « Tell me it’s not–« 

« Shit! » Makoto cursed. « Landlines, mobile phone networks, radio frequencies,
satellite uplinks… We just lost all ability to communicate with the outside
world! »

The brunette added, « They’re hacking the MAGI! »

« Too late, » the tactician finished.

« At least the American MAGI are no longer a threat, » an optimistic Maya noted.


Riiiip! Ling stared at the tear in her plug suit, which was tailored for Rei–
a girl whose muscles weren’t hardened, strengthened by martial arts training.
« Shit. » The 13th Child took off the undersized suit, and reached for the ACU on
its hanger.

« Rei? » Gendo called. « Why, » the girl’s face blurred as the bearded man focused
on the pistol in her hands, aimed at his head, « are you here? »

« I came here to drink tea and kick ass, and I’m all out of milk tea. »

« How is milk tea relevant to…? Ah! » Gendo cried when the laser sight swept
over his eyes.

« It’s my favorite drink, and a classic line from a John Carpenter movie. »

« But today is the Promised Day! » the bearded man protested.

« I promise to wax the floor with your brains, if you don’t leave right this
minute. »

‘I created a monster– no, two trigger-happy monsters with access to nuclear
weapons!’ « I’m leaving, I’m leaving! » Walking was difficult– Gendo had an
erection when he saw Ling’s nude figure, making his pants uncomfortably tight–
this was nothing compared to the damage bullets would inflict.


Keel frowned at the red icon onscreen. « Why is MAGI 06 inactive? » he asked of
the units in Beijing, China.

A SEELE agent reported, « General Long refused to let us use MAGI 06 without his
approval. » Long was a People’s Liberation Army (PLA) officer, commander of
NERV’s Chinese branch.

‘Godless, slant-eyed, narrow-minded Chink bastards.’ With two MAGI units
inactive, the remaining three couldn’t breach Tokyo-3’s security. « I wanted to
resolve this in a peaceful manner, but they leave me no choice. Commence
Operation Revelations, immediately! » With that, JSDF units advanced towards

Onscreen, Special Forces operators killed guards and, using codes the secret
society provided, opened the gates to infantrymen, tanks and armored fighting
vehicles. « Evangelion pilots are to be terminated on sight. Assume all NERV
personnel are enemy combatants, to be executed without hesitation, » a Japanese
officer radioed. Cannon to the fortress’ right, cannon to its left, cannon in
front of it volleyed and thundered.

Boom! « Ahhhh! » Antiaircraft and tank guns, grenade and missile launchers, and
a Kamov Ka-29 assault helicopter’s 2A42 autocannon answered the JSDF and JSSDF’s
call. « Watanabe! Noooo! » « Tanks? The briefing said nothing about tanks! »
« Because NERV has no tanks! That ZSU-23-4 bears Soviet Naval Infantry…! »
Rat-at-at! « Gah! »

The SEELE leader’s confusion mirrored his pawns’. « What…? »


An indignant Tsurumaki Kazuya, Japanese Prime Minister, sat in a spacious bomb
shelter– the JSDF Operations Center– military officers studied a holographic
map before them, ignoring the politician. « Why am I hiding– no, entombed here,
instead of sitting in my office? » ‘I spent 150,000 yen on a desk with an
integral refrigerator, so I could relax with a cold beer after a hard day’s
work; now they’re going to waste.’

His secretary and mistress– the only woman the Prime Minister trusted to remain
silent on sensitive issues– stated, « As Head of Government, you alone may
authorize the use of Japan’s N² arsenal. From here, you can better assess the
situation, and determine the necessity of using special weapons, » ‘and let the
Self-Destruct Forces deny responsibility for any mistake.’

Kazuya sighed. « To think NERV’s ultimate goal, the Human Instrumentality
Project, was to initiate the Third Impact and annihilate the human race… makes
me shiver. »

« We must be the only animals to despise our own species, » the secretary mused.

« Sir, the Special Weapons Unit is in firing position, » a JSSDF officer reported.

The politician began, « All that remains is to–« 

« What?! » A JSDF officer ran towards Kazuya. « Sir, the US military liaison
reports unidentified terrorists are attacking Tokyo-3 Airbase, possibly to seize
nuclear weapons stored there! He requests aid in defense of the airbase! »

The shelter fell silent. « The US military stores nuclear weapons in Tokyo-3?
Why was I not informed of this?! » the politician demanded.

Keyboards thundered; countless hands swept like a typhoon, wreaking chaos in
files and folders. « What? Evangelion Unit 03 is a prototype for the US Air
Force’s next-generation bomber?! »

« The Americans are part of this conspiracy! » A paranoid General Tokita Shiro,
head of the JSSDF Advanced Technological Research Unit, put his hands on
Kazuya’s shoulders. « Sir, we must launch a decapitation strike! Authorize the
use of two– no, four ALBMs against Washington, DC, » he referred to air-launched
ballistic missiles. « It’s the only way–« 

« Unhand me! » The politician performed a judo throw; Tokita fell unconscious
when his head slammed against the floor. « Foolish warmonger will destroy our
own nation. »

« Sir, we’re receiving real-time images of the terrorists attacking the airbase! »
a lieutenant reported.

Kazuya’s eyes ballooned as men in black uniforms, firing G11 assault rifles,
appeared onscreen. « Tell me they’re not–« 

« Shit! It’s our own Special Warfare Unit! » JSSDF Special Forces. The shelter
almost shook as the officers simultaneously collapsed, their legs insensate upon
learning they put Japan at the brink of a nuclear war.

« Withdraw all our forces, immediately! »


Frantic JSSDF officers screamed, « The cable! Where the hell is its power
cable?! » « Fuck, the Green One has gas turbine power plants! » « Task Force
Alpha, this is Omega One. Is the airfield secure? » Mk44 chain guns beat a
tattoo, not quite muffling the dying men’s screams. « Does that answer your
fucking question?! » « They’re killing us over here! We need special
weapons…! » « The Americans store nuclear weapons in Tokyo-3?! » « What?! »
« Shit! Tell me you trigger-happy lunatics didn’t… » « Sir! American FB-22
bombers are en route to Tokyo-3, ETA six minutes! » « All forces, withdraw! »
« But…! » « You want to stay and see if those Ravens are nuclear-armed?! »
« Fuck! »

« The accursed Evangelions. » « Americans. » « Russians. » « Space aliens. » « And
the author, » the SEELE members cursed those who forced them to deviate from the
script. « Must they interfere with our plans again? »

« It seems we must fight fire with fire. » Keel’s command cast seven shadows–
flying wing aircraft, designed to transport a 40-meter-tall fighting machine–
over the Geofront. Rails extended from each aircraft’s tail, moving a white
giant out of the cargo bay; explosive bolts fired, freeing the giants from their
restraints. Avian wings– biological, unlike Unit 03’s mechanical, mission
adaptive wings– unfolding from their backs, Evangelion Units 05, 07, 09, 10,
11, and 13 resembled albino vultures as they circled the fortress, seeking prey.

Unit 12 failed to clear its transport before Unit 03 fired two AIM-120 missiles,
destroyed the flying wing’s engines, and enveloped the white Eva in burning


« Deployment of all, » Maya caught two transport aircraft’s absence, « seven S²
engine-equipped units? Isn’t that’s excessive? »

Misato remembered the author’s cavalier use of nuclear weapons. « Not to an
American gun nut. »

« Or do they plan to initiate the Third Impact here? »

Unit 03’s head-mounted chain guns tore apart Unit 10’s wings. « They planned to
initiate it here, » Gendo sneered, surprising the Command Center personnel.

« Commander Ikari! » The tactician saluted. « When did you…? »

Shinji watched his target fall like a lead ingot, followed by stray feathers.
« Ornithopters? Were these Eviscerators designed to fail? » he wondered while
tearing off Unit 13’s wings.

The tactician sighed. « They’re mass production Evangelions, not next-generation
killing machines for the US Air Force. »

Ling extended her AT field to neutralize Unit 09’s. Boom! The 280mm shell
detonated, shrapnel cutting the white Eva’s wings to ribbons; with nothing to
slow its descent, Unit 09 slammed against the ground, breaking its neck. « They
were Evangelions, » she sneered; then Unit 11 shared its brother’s fate, lying
down with shredded wings and shattered bones.


« Urgh! » Amarao clawed free of Unit 00 and its lawn chair’s weight, and then
rolled onto his back, exhausted. « I need a vacation. » Clatter, clatter!
« What…? » The Soviet smelled something near-palatable. « Fried chicken? »

Evangelion Unit 12 struggled against the elevator shaft’s confines; beating
wings and pounding limbs tore rents in metal walls, to no avail. The dummy
plug– its autopilot, a clone of Kaoru– was programmed for absolute loyalty to
SEELE, not for technical and tactical proficiency. Realizing why it couldn’t
move, the burnt Eva retracted its wings.

Amarao frowned at the growing shadow above him; then his eyes ballooned with
recognition. « Fuck! » He scrambled out the way of a freefalling Unit 12, which
tore open the bulkhead beneath his feet. « Ahhhh! » Crash, clatter, clang! « Ow!
My back! »


« That’s enough, Rei, » Gendo radioed. « Return and secure the Eva cages,
immediately. Leave the remaining enemy units to the Third Children. » SEELE
planned to reap the souls of every man and woman on Earth, uniting and
transforming its members into God; its failure allowed the bearded man to become
God in their place.

« Eat this! » Boom! « Enjoy your meal? Here comes a DU dessert! » Ling referred
to depleted uranium penetrators now peppering the enemy.

Gendo’s smile faded with each passing second. « Rei, I ordered you to retreat. »
He needed the blue-haired albino to achieve his goals. « Confirm order received,

Boom! Ling charged as Unit 05 recoiled from the 280mm shell’s impact. « Let me
teach you, » the white Eva lost its braincase and upper jaw, but still sensed
Unit 01’s presence, « why you should, » the 13th Child dodged a slash from Unit
05’s oversized sword, « never bring a sword, » the weapon was a clone of the Lance
of Longinus, able to effortlessly pierce an AT field– if it scored a hit– Unit
05 failed to do so before it was swept off its feet, its lower jaw planted into
the ground, « to a gunfight! » A second shell entered through the back of its
neck, destroyed Unit 05’s dummy plug, and paralyzed the white Eva.

« Um, Commander, the clone refers to herself as ‘Lingbo Ling,' » Maya noted.

The bearded man ordered, « Increase LCL pressure in Unit 01’s entry plug, to
maximum, » which would knock the pilot unconscious.

« What? »

« We cannot waste time on an impossible child, » Gendo continued.

« Yes, Sir. » The brunette’s hands danced on her keyboard. « What’s jamming the
signal? » She studied Unit 01’s revised schematics. « What?! The Americans
removed ‘DRIVE A’ when they installed the Mk44 automatic cannons! » The top
secret ‘drive’ put an Eva under a dummy plug’s remote control. « We can no
longer override Unit 01’s controls! »

« Bitch! » The bearded man slapped Maya, knocking her off the chair. « Your
incompetence left Rei XIII at the mercy of the Third Children’s Thanatos, » in
Freudian theory, a person’s destructive and self-destructive instincts, named
for the Greek god of death. « She’s useless to me! »

The tactician, unaware Maya was struck, watched Units 09 and 11 climb to their
feet, regenerating crushed organs and broken bones. « The mass production
Evangelions have resurrected! »


Keel smiled as Units 10 and 13 rose from the ground. « At long last, our prayers
are answered. »

SEELE members reported, « Unit 12 has secured the true Lance of Longinus, » when
the burnt Eva reappeared. « The difficulties were greater than expected, but the
solution was not beyond our means. » They began chanting, « Return the
Evangelions to their true form– through them, the human race. With Earth
purified by indiscriminate death and destruction; with heaven sanctified by our
prayers; we are absolved of the Original Sin, our true forms restored. »

The SEELE leader began, « Unite all souls so they may find peace, and–« 

« Command One, this is Stormbringer. Request permission to use Whiskey
Niner-Niner, » Shinji radioed.

Despair united the SEELE members, who cried as one, « Noooo! » Then a nuclear
weapon detonated, static flooding their senses as the electromagnetic pulse
blinded cameras and deafened microphones.


To be concluded.

n00b Get to the Point Evangelion II
Part 9 Side Story