FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Get to the Point Evangelion II ( Chapter 10 )
« Guten Morgen, Herr Ikari! Or is ‘ohayo’ more appropriate? » the 5th Child
smiled, greeting in German and Japanese.
« ‘Good morning’ is fine, » Shinji replied in English.
« I wish to start a Kendo Club. Are you and your friends willing to join and
honor your samurai ancestors? »
« To paraphrase another hero, ‘Hokey institutions and ancient weapons are no
match for a good gun at your side.' »
« Have you no pride in Japan and its cultural heritage? The nation you were born
in, the people with whom the same blood flows through your veins? » an
androgynous youth interrupted.
Shinji raised a skeptical eyebrow. « Excuse me, do I know you? »
The youth puffed his or her chest, and tried to appear intimidating. « I am
Mitsuo K. Fukuda. I fight for peace, and to free Japan from the warmongers–«
« Including yourself? » the Stormbringer pilot interrupted.
Mitsuo pouted as he or she– it tried to express burning anger. « I’ll kill
you– » the youth found its face pinned against Shinji’s desk, a delicate-looking
arm pulled behind its back, mere millimeters from dislocation. « Ah! »
« Don’t make threats you can’t back up, » Shinji deadpanned.
« Ite! » Mitsuo meant to say, ‘Threaten you? You attacked me without
provocation!’ but the pain left it barely breathing, much less speaking.
« Comrade Shinji, be nice to the Gundamn pilot, » Haruko commented. « Mitsuo
doesn’t realize the studio makes a Gundamn pilot act against the pacifist ideals
it promotes. »
« Stupidity is no excuse for hypocrisy. » With that, the Stormbringer pilot
released the other.
« Ah! » The androgynous youth rubbed its sore shoulder. « My ideals do not make
me stupid! »
« What does your middle initial stand for? » Kensuke changed the subject.
Mitsuo was confused. « Killian. Hey! » the youth protested as Kaoru pushed it
towards the door.
« I’m the guest star. I’m the one who says, ‘I love you,’ to Herr Ikari, and
forces him to choose between saving a world where he’s unloved, and destroying
it to save the only person to offer him love. You’re nobody– a parody of a
parody– whose lack of social skills makes you repellent to the audience, not
sympathetic. Get out! » With that, the 5th Child expelled Mitsuo from class,
and slammed the door.
« Oh shit! » Toji drew attention to the thing– its size and shape comparable to
an Eva’s progressive knife– growing from his forehead.
« Toji-kun! » Hikari reached for the jock’s hand, only for his growth to split,
become wings, and launch him through a window.
« I thought the author lost interest in the ‘Gundamn’ series?! » the bespectacled
« He lost interest in the characters– who can blame him, they’re all crybabies,
spineless cowards, or sociopaths who think beating up a girl is evidence of
masculinity, » Shinji began.
The door slammed open. « I’m not a crybaby! » Then Mitsuo saw the white robot–
with wings on its back, resembling an angel– emerging from the jock’s head.
« It’s a Gundamn, » the youth drew a laser pistol, « my Gundamn! » It ran towards
the shattered window, only for the Stormbringer pilot to pistol-whip the youth.
« Ah! » The Gundamn pilot fell on its back, unconscious.
« But he still loves it when giant robots beat the scrap out of each other. »
With that, Shinji jumped out the window, caught Toji’s foot, pulled the jock
free of the robotic angel, and guided their descent towards the swimming pool.
Kensuke remembered the 3rd Children couldn’t swim in the TV series. « Shinji can
swim? » he wondered as the Stormbringer pilot helped his friend out of the pool.
Kaoru sighed. « Will I ever have my 15 minutes of fame? »
« No, » Haruko answered as she unlocked the traverse and elevation (T & E)
mechanism for her scooter’s KPV, aimed the heavy machine gun at the white robot,
and fired a burst. « Yeah! Get some! »
The 5th Child sighed again. « That was a rhetorical question, » she added, words
lost when the robot’s rifle– a directed energy weapon (DEW) resembling a
phallus, thanks to twin nuclear reactors mounted under the barrel– exploded.
N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 8
‘Who are you? I am you. Who am I? What am I?
‘I am myself. This form– that which others see– defines me, although it is
alien to me. Strange… my body seems to be fading away.
‘Another is present. Who…?’
« Stop wasting my time on existential bullshit, » the other interrupted Rei’s
monologue in Episode 14.
Evangelion Unit 01 was confused. ‘Who…? You seem to have the First
Children’s body, but the Third’s mind.’
« Because I am the Third Child’s data, downloaded into a blank Ayanami Rei clone.
Call me Lingbo Ling, or the 13th Child. » She was Rei’s 13th incarnation. Ten
others went insane upon activation– those that didn’t commit suicide, required
euthanasia– before Gendo conceded a ‘blind loyalty program’ wasn’t worth the
« Would you rather say, ‘First-and-Third Children Hybrid Construct,’ like Doc? »
Silence answered Ling as she performed startup checks, confirming Unit 01 was
ready to fight. « Right. Someone deserves an ass-kicking; get to work and
deliver that ass-kicking. »
Ling accepted Rei’s role as Unit 01’s pilot– not because it was her « reason for
being, » in her sister’s words– because she felt sexually aroused by what the
fighting machine offered. Although the M65 wasn’t loaded with W99 shells, the
US Army provided NERV with tactical nuclear weapons– on elevators, ready to
deliver the pistol magazines at her request, and let her match God’s power when
He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.
« Unit 01, launch! » Misato ordered. « Rei–«
« Ling, » the pilot interrupted. « I’m bad, you know it? »
‘She needs help– psychiatric help.’ The tactician assumed Rei suffered from
Dissociative Identity Disorder– commonly known as « Multiple Personality
Disorder »– she’d order « Ling » to stand down if possible, but the blue-haired
girl was the only available pilot. « Remember, the Children’s safety is top
priority. Draw the… whatever that is… away from school. Don’t shoot until
you can minimize collateral damage– specifically, don’t make casualties of the
other pilots, people who’ll cover your back in the next Angel attack. »
« Wilco, Missy. »
The American-style nickname confused Misato. ‘Missy?’
Ling arrived to see the Vespa circling the robotic angel like a vulture– ‘An
AC-130 gunship,’ the 13th Child thought as fiery death reached from the
scooter’s left side. Haruko stood on the rear fender, keeping the KPV
perpendicular to the scooter; armor-piercing incendiary rounds slowly, steadily
transformed the once white robot into zebra. The Gundamn’s eyes sent laser
beams towards the Vespa, only to demolish the buildings around it; the targeting
system was unable to lock onto its agile target.
Mitsuo appeared at a hole in the wall– made by Haruko’s scooter– and struck a
heroic posed. « ZOMG-21X Free Spirit Gun– » bullets ricocheted off the zebra’s
armor, hitting the youth behind the pink-haired girl’s target. « Ahhhh! My
hand! You shot three fingers from my right hand! »
‘I hope he learned a lesson, so I won’t have to save his sorry ass next time.’
With this thought, Ling clarified the androgynous youth’s gender. Rails guided
the M65 from a weapons bay in the right forearm– Unit 01’s latest upgrade– to
the fighting machine’s hand.
Boom! The « parody of a parody » turned to see a fireball consume it– his robot.
« What?! The Free Spirit Gundamn has PISS offload armor, which neutralizes all
physical attacks! It’s impervious to weapons used by the tyrannical United
Americas! » He overlooked the fact the Eva– twice as high as the 19-meter-tall
Gundamn– was armed against enemies of comparable size. « How…? »
The disguised Angel of Free Will– mentally and physically drained by efforts to
defend herself from the Gundamn, Haruko, and Unit 01’s combined firepower– drew
her shinai to hammer the back of Mitsuo’s head. « Shut up! »
Kensuke’s head rose from the desk he hid behind. « That was disappointing, » he
said of how quickly the zebra and its pilot were defeated.
N00B GET TO THE POINT EVANGELION II
A ‘Neon Genesis Evangelion’ story by Sidewinder (email@example.com), 2010.
Characters created and owned by Gainax. Gundamn inspired by Sotsu, Sunrise, and
MBS’s creation. Lyrics by You-Know-Who. Special thanks to Alain Gravel.
A confused Kensuke repeated, « Triple canopy? »
« AIRBORNE », Shinji drew a line over his left shoulder, where the qualification
tab was worn on a US Army uniform, « RANGER », a line above the first, « SPECIAL
FORCES » above the second. « If I can’t swim, I can’t qualify for Special
« You don’t want to fly Eviscerators for the US Air Force? » the bespectacled boy
« The Eviscerator is a self-propelled coffin with a 40-meter-tall bull’s eye.
The Stormbringer is a flying coffin– correction, a funerary urn full of jet
fuel, so I’ll be cremated alive when the enemy hits that bull’s eye. Don’t fool
yourself into thinking the giant robot is indestructible, the superpowers used
to arm surface-to-air and air-to-air missiles with nuclear warheads–
one-point-oh megaton in the A-35 ABM system’s case, » he mentioned a Soviet
anti-ballistic missile system. « Bet your life the US, China, and Soviet Union
are developing nukes that can and will pierce the AT field. I won’t wear a
40-meter-tall bull’s eye as a Special Forces operator. »
Haruko slapped the Stormbringer pilot’s back. « Good for you, Captain America! »
A sing-song voice asked, « So Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? » when
Shinji opened the door; the Stormbringer pilot, Kensuke, and Haruko entered the
conference room to see Ling break-dancing on the table.
Misato turned to Maya. « So…? »
« You’ve been hit by…! You’ve been struck by…! A smooth criminal! » the 13th
« Memories? I’m surprised; Shinji-kun never told us he’s a Michael Jackson fan, »
the tactician finished.
« I’m not, » the Stormbringer pilot deadpanned, making the tactician blush.
« He seems to like Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash, » Ling said without missing a
beat. « But this is a more appropriate theme song for me. »
« Ling’s download focuses on combat skills, but I’m as surprised as you, » the
brunette explained. ‘I wonder what Ikari-kun chose as his theme song?’
‘The girl certainly has Shinji-kun’s ego,’ Misato noted. « Shinji-kun,
Kensuke-kun, Haruko-san, and… » The tactician frowned. « Where’s Kaoru-chan? »
« In the showers, » the 3rd Children answered.
« If she has any brains, she’s no longer in this story, having fled to escape the
author’s next fit of madness, » Misato breathed.
Maya shrugged, and then nodded towards the break dancer. « This is Lingbo Ling,
the 13th Children. »
Sensing the question on the pilots’ minds, the tactician added, « It’s
classified. I believe you know the saying, ‘If I tell you, I have to kill
Kaoru stood under the showerhead, sighing as she massaged her tense muscles.
‘Okay, the original plan– wait for Arael and Armisael’s attacks to take away
Shinji’s friends, and then exploit the Third Child when he’s alone, abandoned–
is useless. How…?’
« Are you not meditating on the existential meaning of Man and his works? »
« Kyaaaa! » The disguised Angel threw a bar of soap at– through the black
monolith beside her. « Don’t peep when I’m bathing or showering, you perverts! »
« Shame is a symptom of innocence lost, the–«
Kaoru pointed at the title. « Read the Goddamn story; there is no place for the
mongrel brood of Christianity, existentialism, Freudian theory, and whatever the
director believes in. »
Tensions rose during the silence that followed; finally, Keel Lorenz said, « Herr
Anno failed to adequately explain our motivations. This ‘mongrel brood’ of
conflicting philosophies, in your words, is the closest we have to character
The 5th Child’s head bowed in frustration; the running water resembled tears as
they flowed down her head. « Goddamn it. » She shut off the water, wrapped a
towel around her body, and walked towards the locker room.
A monolith labeled, « SEELE 01 » and « Sound only »– Keel’s avatar– followed
« Where are you going? » the SEELE leader asked.
« I need some time alone. » The disguised Angel replicated Shinji’s killer look.
« If you peep next time I’m undressed, the last thing you see will be the crows
plucking your eyes from their sockets. » She got dressed and left, before the
other monoliths caught up.
The monoliths faced each other. « This was not in the scenario. » « What do we
do? » « We each have a copy of the script. Number 04, read Miss Nagisa’s lines
in falsetto. » « What? Why me?! » « You’re French; therefore, you’re gay. » « Use
your stereotypes to sodomize yourself, you American pig! » « See? The Frenchman
is gay. »
« Silence! » Keel interrupted. « Number 04, read Fräulein Nagisa’s lines– this I
The French representative to SEELE sighed. « Humans cannot create something–
anything– from nothing. Humans cannot accomplish anything without an anchor to
hold onto, physical or spiritual. After all, humans are not God, » Kaoru’s words
in the Director’s Cut of Episode 24. ‘Sacre Bleu! My shame deepens with each
word,’ he thought of his girly, high-pitched voice.
Keel suppressed a laugh, reading, « But there is a man who has ambitions to
become God, to usurp Him as Lord of Hosts. »
« There is a man who is not one of us, attempting to reopen Pandora’s Box. »
« There is a man trying to close the box before Hope escapes its confines. »
« Hope…? »
Gendo frowned at the Eva pilot not standing before him– a pilot beyond his
control. The androgynous, handcuffed youth was not the one Gendo wanted broken
before him. « You are hereby charged with assaulting a NERV employee;
destruction of government property; and criminal negligence in the handling of
explosives. Do you have anything to say in your defense, Mister…? »
« Mitsuo K. Fukuda. » The youth’s eyes… almost burned… with an effort to look
‘He looks constipated, not confident. I suppose beggars cannot be choosers.’
« Fortunately, we share a common enemy, for whom I am willing to overlook today’s
« The warmongers and gun manufacturers– death merchants who start wars so they
can sell more guns– who enslaved Japan. »
« And Sidewinder, the war criminal responsible for the torture, mutilation, and
deaths of characters in this story. »
Mitsuo remembered the pain of losing his fingers. « He set the pink-haired girl
upon me? And the coward who attacked me from behind? »
« And unless we stop him now, he’ll make you and countless others, suffer a fate
worse than death. » The bearded man hid the fact if his plans succeeded, they’d
do the same to countless others.
« Tell me what must be done. »
Gendo smiled as he unlocked the youth’s handcuffs. « The author is… »
To be concluded.