❯ Futile Attempts – Futile Attempts ( Chapter 1 )
Rating: PG-13 (some mild references to sexual situations)
Disclaimer. Ai No Kusabi does not belong to me.
Spoilers: First part of the movie.
Summary: Sometimes attempts at denying are useless. Iason/Riki.
I wrote this a few months back and decided to share. That is all.
It is a dark night, with no stars gleaming in the sky and the city seeming dead. Of course, the silver lights can be still seen coming from the oddly shaped buildings but otherwise there is no sign of life in Tanagura. Everything is brilliant, shining and perfect.
Too bloody perfect for one mongrel.
To him, Tanagura is an ugly city, artificial and cold. Perfectly reminding him, who holds power over mankind these days.
Classifies people by hair colour and makes the lowly born lead lives like rats, only with even less honour. The inhumanity of it all makes him shudder. Yet he cannot fight it or change the present because he does not know how to.
He hates nights like this because it leaves him too much time to reflect on things, there is nothing out there to provide him distraction. Smoking has become redundant because the taste of cigars does not thrill him anymore. Its bitter, wispy taste has become boring and he does not like the taste and smell of poison lingering in his mouth for too long.
Ever since, he has been trapped here, Riki feels like this.
Empty and useless but oddly happy at the same time.
He misses his freedom, the drunken murmurs of his gang and Guy’s expressive blue eyes, his soft kisses. His loyalty.
Yet he also knows that in Ceres, he would have eventually died. Starved in the streets like a stray dog like he has seen so many others.
He would never admit it out loud but he knows that Iason would never let anything harm him. For that, the chains that bind him are much too strong.
The odd night also stirs dangerous emotions in Riki.
Emotions that he is slowly growing tired of repressing. He knows that he will not be able to hide them forever. It has become redundant too. Pointless because one day they will have to burst out in the open.
That particular name sends chills down his spine but not in a necessarily bad manner. He can still feel the taste of his lips, everywhere on him and the gentle caresses on his body. The blond hair feeling soft between his fingers and the protective embrace that holds him at nights.
As much as he loathes Iason for having stolen his freedom, he cannot claim that Iason is a bad lover. He just wishes that he would not be regarded as a play doll but rather a free man. He hates it when Iason refers to him as his own property, reminding Riki that he is not more worth than a sex toy.
It is degrading and hurts his pride. However, it also hurts his feelings because he is scared.
Riki is frightened that Iason might tire of his body eventually and discard him like a broken doll. What will become of him then?
To Ceres, he cannot possibly return, he knows that now. Guy’s beating was more than proof enough. Trembling slightly, he recalls the shocked expression, the disgust on the other’s face and the merciless words that made him return to Tanagura.
Knowing the reason, he does not blame his former lover but feels weak. Embarrassed, humiliated but angry too. Can Guy not also accept this side of him too? After all, this is a part of him now.
Still, he is disgusted with himself too. Sickeningly aware of what he has become, wondering where the shreds of his former pride have gone to. He hates this existence, he hates being held captive in a golden palace. He hates Iason.
These thoughts are old and rather like a mantra that Riki continues to say to himself. Hoping that they are true, he is too conflicted to think otherwise. He does not want to think in another way.
However, an inner voice reminds him that Iason Mink is different from other Blondies. It might be the production of his imagination but Riki can often observe some emotion in Iason’s eyes, a slight smile. Whenever they make love Iason is gentle and considerate, making him feel like the most precious thing in the world.
Could it be…?
No, he is not hoping for such a miracle even though, Katze told him that Iason risks a lot for being with him. He just isn’t willing to believe in it.
It must be nothing more but an obsession. Iason has to be so crazy about him because Riki is the only one, who has endeavoured to speak against him. He wishes to possess him and that is all. As soon as he is dispossessed of his pride, individuality and humanity, Iason will surely throw him out in the streets.
Grimly, Riki continues to stare out into the darkness, hoping to find something that is moving. Yet nothing moves. All is dead.
Even the breeze is dead, with no scent surrounding it. What a desolate place. A barren wasteland of cold civilization and steel.
He hates it but cannot help liking it at the same time. It is the only thing he knows besides the rotten streets of Ceres.
“What are you thinking about?”
A voice cast in velvet interrupts his inner thoughts. He does not turn around. There is no need to.
He knows the owner of the voice like the back of his hand. Even the quiet footfall of the man is familiar to him.
The owner of the voice is no one other but Iason. A man, he tries to resist with all his passion but cannot help being drawn to. Cannot help craving or loving. Loving…
Riki flinches slightly when he realises what he just subconsciously said. It is not true. It cannot be.
He does not speak. He is afraid that he might utter words that he will possibly regret. That is why his lips remain closed.
Iason, not expecting an answer, slowly approaches the other man, touching his shoulder briefly before deciding to take a look at the view too. This turn of events surprises Riki, who expected the blonde man to kiss him and find himself sprawled on the bed not much later. He is a bit pleased as he is not in the mood for physical contact tonight.
Hoping to cherish the moment while he can, Riki stares out into the darkness, enjoying the company. Like this, he does not feel like a pet anymore but a man, feeling valued and loved for once. Maybe just maybe, Iason does regard him as a lover. Then he could finally give in.
Iason is silent too, conflicted by some emotion, that he keeps bottled up inside of him. He, too, is scared of so many things. Yet he does not give his worries voice. He is too scared to do that. Riki wouldn’t believe him anyway. Little does he know that Riki for the first time allows himself to enjoy this existence.
That is why Iason is more than baffled when he feels Riki move closer to him, grabbing his hand. A simple touch, one might say but for the Blondie it is a huge step. The hand feels warm in his and he flushes slightly, not used to such things. He only knows that he wants to keep holding on forever.
However, the gesture is short and soon Riki keeps himself at a distance again. Still, it was a start.
Afterwards, they do not speak nor touch but continue standing there. It is not much but they both like it. Maybe one day, they will be able to confront the truth. To do more than just stare out of a balcony in silence. However, just now, it is enough.