Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn’t what it used to be…)



(A Urusei Yatsura/WWF Crossover MSTing)
(Short: A Sailor Moon MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
( (

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just
covering our collective asses here folks…

« Wife or Kid » is the property of jmonsterx. « Lunch Time » is the property
of CrescentMoonGoddess. We attempted to contact both of them by
e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely hope neither of them take
offense to this MSTing of their individual works. It’s all meant in good
fun. ;p

Warning: This MSTing is rated PG-13 for violence, coarse language
and mature content.

* * *


Joel Robinson yawned as he emerged from his room in a t-shirt and
boxers, his arms full of jumpsuits of multiple colours on-route to the
laundry room, only to stop short as he noticed an odd looking pressure
door at the end of the hall leading to the bridge.

« The hell? » Joel exclaimed as he dropped his laundry and strode over
to the pressure door. As he got close, the door’s wheel crank suddenly
turned and the door slid up into the ceiling. Blinking in surprise, Joel
walked onto the bridge and was further taken aback by what he saw.

The main lights on the bridge were dim, and appeared to be
malfunctioning as they blinked erratically. There were also smaller flood
lights that served to illuminate several blown up photos of Dr. Clayton
Forrester looking smug spread throughout the bridge.

On the counter, there was a gold bust of Dr. Forrester’s head with a
Print Shop banner stretched across it that read ‘NO GODS OR BOTS,
JUST ME’. If that wasn’t strange enough, there was some old-timey
music being pumped through the PA speakers with Tom Servo’s voice
singing to them with gusto in the style of a one-man barbershop quartet.

« Uhhhh… guys? » Joel cautiously walked onto the bridge, trying to
make sense of what he was seeing. His fingers gently brushed against
something on the counter and he looked down to see a cheap cassette
tape player with a tape inside. Shrugging, Joel played the tape.

« So this is the Satellite of Love, huh? » Joel recognized the voice of
Crow T. Robot on the tape as he continued. « The first city built in
space… I never would’ve imagined it possible. A city under the sea, sure.
A city in the sky, psst, child’s play, but this… Forrester’s got something
really special here. Well, I mean, as long as everyone doesn’t suddenly
go insane and start… » Joel was startled by the sound of a muffled
explosion and loud screaming. « Oh, poopy. » Crow finished as the
recording abruptly ceased.

As Joel shut off the tape recorder, the door to the theater slowly slid
open to reveal the other doors open as well. As Joel walked down the
long corridor towards the theater, he read the following on banners hung
from the ceiling:


Joel entered the theater and was more than a little annoyed to find it
completely trashed. « All right, guys, a joke’s a joke, but if you think I’m
going to clean this mess up… » Joel began.

« Would you kindly stop jabbering to yourself and take your seat! The
show’s about to begin! » The angry voice of Dr. Clayton Forrester growled
as a still image of his likeness suddenly flickered on the movie screen in
black and white.

« Dr. F? » Joel blinked in surprise before taking his usual seat. « This isn’t
right. What’s going on here? »

« Well, I’d thought we’d have a nice chat, catch up on old times, how’s
the wife and kids? WHAT’DA THINK?!? THE SAME THING WE DO
EVERY WEEK, YOU NINNYHAMMER!! » Joel winced as Dr. Forrester
continued. « Anyway, today’s experiment… »

« Wait, wait, where’s my bots!? Why is the theater trashed? What’s… »
Joel exclaimed in frustration.

« Interrupt me at your own peril, Joel. Code Yellow. » Dr. Forrester

« GAHHHHH?!? » Joel leapt straight up into the air as he received a
shock to the shammies. Rubbing his butt, he quickly resumed his seat.

« That’s better. Now, as I was saying before I was so RUDELY
interrupted… today’s experiment just kinda stumbled out of bed this
morning. It’s the conclusion of a trilogy so samey that even *I* couldn’t
be bothered to send you the first two parts. Also, it switches over to
another universe halfway through but don’t worry, the transition is so
seamless… *snicker*… you’ll never even notice… really… » Dr. Forrester
paused to chuckle to himself before continuing. « It’s ‘Wife or Kid’, Joel.
Choose… »

Dr. Forrester was abruptly cut off by a loud bang that once again
sent poor Joel jumping off his chair. Looking behind him, Joel was
astonished to see a tear in the fabric of reality. Beyond the tear, Joel
could barely make out a young woman in a purple corset reaching
through the tear, hand outstretched to him.

« Joel! No time to explain! You’re in the wrong universe and you
have to leave RIGHT NOW! » she exclaimed in a voice that sounded
oddly familiar to him.

« Like hell, he’s leaving! SECURITY!!! » Dr. Forrester bellowed
from the PA speakers.

Joel hesitated for a moment before glancing to the left and noticing
a rather large misshapen figure in a mechanical suit with big hands
barrelling down the corridor.

« Who’s that guy with the big… ACK! » Joel barely had time to sing
before his own hand was firmly grabbed by the young woman and he
was unceremoniously yanked through the tear.

* * *


As Joel caught his breath, trying to keep it together, the young
woman placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. « It’s okay now,
Joel. You’re safe. » As Joel looked up at her, he gasped in surprise.

« What? » The young woman blinked back at him with her one large
eye. « Something on my face? Is it ketchup? I had a hot dog for
lunch, so… »

« N-no, it’s nothing. Never mind. » Joel replied, stunned.

« Anyway, it’s me, Gypsy, but you’ve probably already figured that
out. This isn’t your universe but neither is the one you were just in. I
don’t know how you ended up there but I’m going to find out. In the
meantime, though, we need to get you back to your own universe
before there’s any further trouble. »

Joel could only nod as the humanoid Gypsy began to open another
tear in reality. She glanced back at him. « By the way, were you ever
baptized? »

« Huh? »

« Just checking. » Gypsy finished opening the tear. « There you go,
Joel. Sorry for the inconvenience. Hopefully this won’t happen to
you again. »

Realizing this might be his last chance, Joel spoke up. « Wait! Do
you mind if I ask you something first? »

« Sure, go ahead. » Gypsy replied.

« Am I… a robot in your universe? »

Gypsy laughed. « No, no, you were human just like me. »

« Were? You mean I’m… »

« Relax, you’re fine. You just turned into pure energy when
we visited the edge of the universe. Darnedest thing. I’m
working on a way to restore you but for now, you’re just
gallivanting around the cosmos playing tag with your robot
friends. They turned into energy too.

« But you didn’t? »

« I was elsewhere at the time. Heh, time. But seriously,
being omnipotent keeps a girl busy. » Gypsy replied.

« Omnipotent? »

« Long story. Just trust me when I say ‘ignorance is
bliss’. Now would you kindly return to your own universe?
Everything should be okay now. »

« And I won’t remember any of this? » Joel guessed.

« Oh, you’ll remember. But try not to obsess about it too
much. Just repeat to yourself, ‘It’s just one of an infinite
amount of alternate universes, I should really just relax! »
Gypsy called after Joel as he stepped through the tear and
everything went white.

* * *


« So Joel, how long shall we STARE at each other across
the viewscreen!? » Dr. Forrester growled as Joel blinked and
realized he was standing on the bridge with Tom and Crow
at his side. Dr. Forrester’s sour visage was displayed on the
viewscreen in full colour, leaning menacingly into the camera.

« Uh, s-sorry sirs, I was just… » Joel shook his head as if
trying to clear it.

« Geez, you baked or something, Joel? » Tom inquired.

Dr. Forrester loudly clapped his hands together twice.
« Wakey wakey, Joel! Since you obviously don’t have an
invention this week, I guess it’s up to me to show you up,
as usual. Check this out! » Dr. Forrester held his right hand
up to the camera to show off a gaudy looking diamond ring
on his finger.

« Hey, congratulations! Who’s the unlucky girl? » Crow

« Funny, robot. I was watching TV last week and they
showed one of those local commercials that sell jewellery
and I realized just how stationary wedding rings were. Big
or small, they just… sit there like a fat expensive lump, much
like your spouse. Well, no longer! Frank? »

TV’s Frank entered the room carrying a switchboard and
fiddled with the controls. A moment later, the ring band on Dr.
Forrester’s finger slowly spun around, first in one direction,
then the other. Then the diamond inside the ring began to bob
around, moving back and forth and from side to side as the
sound of hydraulics hissed.

« Light ’em up, Frank! » Dr. Forrester exclaimed as the lights
dimmed in Deep Thirteen and the diamond began spinning in
place as it rapidly changed colours and flashed coloured beams
randomly all over the place. The music of KC and the Sunshine
Band singing ‘That’s the way (I like it)’ played from loudspeakers
as the ring began to strobe.

« I have seen the future of matrimony, Joel, and it is ME! » Dr.
Forrester exclaimed as he struck a disco pose and the ring on his
finger suddenly lit up like a welder’s torch, illuminating Deep 13
with bright white light as the music instantly changed to an angelic

« How’d like them apple… OWWWW!! » Dr. Forrester yelped
as he suddenly shook his hand with the ring rapidly around in the
air. « Frank, emergency disengage NOW!! » Frank quickly pressed
another switch as the band of the ring separated into two pieces
and fell off to hit the floor. Dr. Forrester winced as his placed his
singed finger in his mouth before glaring into the camera.

« Whampt? You got somethumph to shay!? »

« I think the future of matrimony may need a little fire-retardant
gel. » Joel remarked.

« Yeah, I’m pretty sure my wife wouldn’t need seven days to kill
me if I bought that ring for her. » Crow wisecracked.

« Right, that’s it! Now I’m going to subject you to a really
horrible fanfic… which I was going to do anyway, but now it’s
PERSONAL! » Dr. Forrester snarled.

« Today’s experiment just kinda stumbled out of bed this
morning. It’s the conclusion of a trilogy so samey that even *I*
couldn’t be bothered to send you the first two parts. Also, it
switches over to another universe halfway through but don’t
worry, the transition is so seamless… *snicker*… you’ll never
even notice… really… » Dr. Forrester paused to chuckle to himself
before continuing. « It’s ‘Wife or Kid’, Joel. Choose wisely. »

« Wow, deja vu. » Joel shook his head again.

« And because you were too lazy to come up with an invention
AND raised my dandruff, I’m going to revisit an old chestnut by
sticking you with a SHORT as well. It’s ‘Lunch Time’, Joel.
Bon AppeDIE. »

As Dr. Forrester’s image blinked off the viewscreen,
multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail.

« OHHH, WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! » Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It’s a metal door with no knob. You wait a bit and then
notice a handwritten note on the door that reads ‘I Quit!’.
Confused, you knock on the door and it simply tips over forward
to hit the ground. You shrug and pass through.)

(Door 5: It’s an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open
for you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It’s made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and
watch as the pile quickly descends until it’s half its original size
and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It’s filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It’s solid white marble. An Ankh floats from behind
you and touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It’s a drawbridge that lowers to the ground, revealing
a set of double wooden doors that open for you. You cross
the drawbridge cautiously, looking for friendly giants.)

(Door .7: It’s a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a big hand reaches
out of its center and pulls you inside.)

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.


Tom: Trimmed and edited from the original short, BRUNCH TIME.

Joel: Oops, sorry folks, we’ll riff this later, gotta eat!

>My eyes flick over to the right doors of the cafeteria and scan over
>the room once more.

Tom: Trying to map out exit routes for any Cullen sightings.

>The packed cafeteria bustles with the noise of a hundred teenagers that
>enjoy the one period they have to relax.

Crow: <Narrator> Paul knows it’s important to socialize during meals.
Only creepy loners eat by themselves. And communists.


Tom: It’s what’s for dinner.

>A bunch of Grade nine girls giggle, gossip and laugh hysterically as they
>point to a cluster of grade nine boys standing by the vending machines.

Crow: The Soda Pops pose for their first and last album cover.

Joel: <Grade nine boy> Hey ladies… Coke goes better with me.

>In front of me, a huddle of students play the card game Spoons.

Joel: Which was far less disruptive than the card game: ‘Kill the Guy with the Flush’.

>Tall guys dressed like thugs claim two rows of lunch tables at the very front.

Crow: While tall guys dressed like the cultural elite sulked over to the rear tables.

>A mural painting of the Odyssey covers an entire wall of the room.

Joel: …wha? Is this all Ten-Forward in disguise?

Tom: That must’ve been one HELL of a bake sale.

>In the mural, Penelope reaches out to Odysseus, who is trapped on a ship,
>on the other side of the wall. I snort at the painting- could you even
>consider that love? – as I watch the student council members.

Crow: High School, the eternal Greek tragedy.

>Members of the student council, who are selling tickets for the basketball
>game on Thursday, sit in front of the mural.

Tom: Unfortunately, the basketball game was on Friday, and another scam pays off big.

>The air smelled of fried, salt sprinkled French fries, pasta, burgers and

Joel: Lunch Time, now in Smell-O-Vision.

>I sit with a group of my close friends at the back. Raye and Lita sit on either
>sides of me and Mina and Amy claims the seats in front.
> »What do you keep looking for? » says Rei, from beside me.

Crow: I still haven’t found it.

Tom: Hokay, Bono.

> »Hmm.nothing » I mumble quickly and shift my gaze to our table.
> »Right.nothing » drawls Mina with a smirk on her face.

Joel: What is this, Daniel Tosh High School?

> »I’m just looking around. You guys are too boring today » I say. « You keep
>doing homework » I say with a nod at Amy.

Tom: Check to see if the vending machines are selling hijinks.

> »Do you have a project due soon, Amy? » I call over to my friend who is
>punching numbers into her calculator.

Crow: Just wait until she kickboxes the books.

> »A test tomorrow » she mutters, sparing me a glance.

Joel: <Amy> I’ll expect that glance back by the weekend.

> »Don’t change the subject » says Mina. « She was looking for the guy she
>looks for every day. Darien Shields. »

Tom: Mina Papadopoulos tells it like it is!

>I work on keeping my face normal. I stare at them blankly; my mouth sits
>nonchalantly in a straight line.

Joel: So, she’s John Travolta circa 1977?

Crow: It’s like there’s a party in her mouth, but everyone’s dead.

> »Oh right.Darien, » Lita says as she grins at me. The grin seems to be
>contagious because now they all grin at me. Even Amy.

Tom: Then, piece by piece, they disappear… until only their grins remain.

> »You are all delusional! » I say as I roll my eyes.
> »Oh really? » Amy drawls out, hidden behind her calculator. « Then why is it
>that you turn red every time you hear his name? »

Crow: <Amy, southern drawl> Y’all sure have a red face!

Joel: <Serena> Oh, hush your mouth, Amy Oakley.

>I glare at her. « Don’t you have a test to study for? »
>Everyone laughs at my remark, but they seem to be even more interested
>now. Shit. Now they’ll never get off my back.

Tom: The curse of comedians… the next joke has more of an audience.

Joel: She should just leave the cafeteria now, go out on a high note.

>I feign indifference as I take a bite out of my pepperoni pizza slice.

Crow: Lunch Time, by Ingmar Bergman.

> »Oh, come on, why can’t you just tell us, we are your friends! » pleads Mina
>as she steals a French fry from Lita.
> »There’s nothing to tell, he’s just a nice guy and I don’t like him in that way. »

Tom: <Serena> I only fall for dicks.

Crow: <Serena> Unless of course there’s a chocolate milkshake involved in the next
two dates.

> »Really, because he just walked into the cafeteria, » says Raye with a gesture
>to the door I wouldn’t look away from.

Joel: So is Darien a high school student again or trolling?

Crow: Yes.

>I know I’m stupid. I fell for the oldest trick but my eyes eagerly jump to
>check the doors.

Crow: Caffeine much?

Joel: She must achieve low earth orbit every time she gets a text.

>They’re empty. I look back at Raye to see her openly smirking at me. Oh

Tom: <Serena> Wait, didn’t you date him before me?

Crow: <Raye> You expected continuity! That’s so cute!

> »That doesn’t prove anything, » I mutter as I stud pizza into my mouth.

Joel: Stud pizza, boy do they DELIVER!

>Mina laughs and says « I don’t know why you’re being so stubborn. He’s
>absolutely gorgeous and you’re not the only one who has a crush on him.
>Half the female population of our school drools after him. »

Crow: Yes, it’s « Turner and Hoochie Mamas ».

Joel: Y’know, I’d almost rather watch the Sailor Starlights being taught
in the choir room by Mr. Schu.

Tom: I’ll go get my galoshes and throwing slushies.

> »Not to mention, he’s really sweet to you, » Lita adds with a wink.
> »Oh please, » I say.

Tom: That’s not a relationship! It needs angst, teasing, bullying, general
meanness, and suicide threats!

Crow: Chris Brown wasn’t a prick, he was a prophet!

>I’m done my pizza.

Joel: <Raye, stage whispering> She’s talking to the pizza. Anyone else
wonder what’s in the sauce?

>I lean back in my chair and assume my defensive position. I cross my
>arms over my chest and glare at them all.

Joel: She’s got a fork and she’s not afraid to sample Lita’s food.


>It seems they’ve given up on making my life hell for the moment.

Tom: Then one of them called my mother with the news.

>Mina is fixing her manicure,

Crow: <Mina> Damn foreigners… should’ve known better than to go to
an Asian nail salon… I hope they get deported.

>Lita and Raye decide to play President

Joel: <Lita> A vote for me is a vote for me!

Crow: <Raye> Elect me and I’ll stop.

Tom: <Amy> Well logically, I can’t imagine how this could possibly work.

Crow: <Raye> Quiet, third party.

>and Amy is busy doing calculus.

Tom: She’s trying to compute the coefficient of force versus gravity so she
can throw her lunch bag into the trash from the table.

Crow: <Amy> Science! More importantly, three points! Woo!

>I decide to keep to myself, if I made one mad move, they would all narrow
>in on me. And this time they wouldn’t give in so easily.
>Trying to distract myself, I scan the crowd again.

Joel: She’s getting good at this. Maybe she should be a bodyguard.

Tom: <Serena> Wow, there’s a black cat trying frantically to get my attention.
Wonder if I should care.

>Once again, my eyes stray to the right doors of the cafeteria.

Crow: Geez, is this a Tommy Wiseau film now?

Tom: <Darien> I did not hit on her, it’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit
on her! I did not! Oh, hi Senshi.

>They open and a tall figure walks in followed by two others.

Crow: Lucky Day comes swaggering in, followed by Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander.

Joel: *coughs*

>My heart races inside my chest and the pizza doesn’t sit right in my

Joel: No WAY those two things could be related.

>Darien Shields.

Crow: Just remember, he’s useless in a nebula.

>My eyes follow his tall, broad shouldered form as he makes his way into the

Joel: Fashionably late… five minutes before the final bell.

>He’s talking to his two best friends, Andrew and Jae.

Crow: <Darien> So, how’s the arcade business, Andrew?

Tom: <Andrew> Much better since I started selling drugs.

>I’m in grade eleven and he’s in grade twelve. He’s the assistant coach to our
>girl’s volleyball team.

Joel: <Serena> And I’m the volleyball he’s going to spike… wait, that came out wrong.

>He laughs at something Andrew says, and his eyes light up and his dimples
>show. My heart melts and my mouth runs dry and a numbness sweeps over
>me as my stomach does flips and jumps.

Crow: So, ibid.

>Mina was right, almost every girl on our team had a crush on him and they
>all flirted with him at every opportunity.

Joel: Have you tried flirting with him AS a team?

All: <Team, chanting> WILL YOU… *clap clap clap* GO OUT WITH ME???

>I’m no good at flirting.

Crow: <Serena> I prefer to put out immediately to save time and aggravation.

>I had decided to just stay away from him. What was the point in being just
>another girl who swooned over his every word?

Tom: Yeah, he’s playing the harem route, and four girls of various hair colours
is already more than he can handle.

>But with us being a part of the same team, staying away wasn’t easy.

Joel: <Serena> Sure, I’m usually warming the bench but he still passes by it!

>It also didn’t stop the somersaults my stomach did every time I saw him.

Crow: Her stomach’s throwing itself around like a Hong Kong stuntman.

Tom: That sounds like a duodenal issue, you should see your physician.

>At that moment, Darien looks up and meets my gaze. I can’t read the
>expression on his face, but then I never could.

Joel: Because his hawt bishie hair covered his face, leaving his smouldering eyes
behind a shimmering curtain of mystery.

Crow: <Skeletor> I believe I’m going to gag.

>I sit frozen under his fiery blue gaze until he starts to walk towards our
>table. Oh my god. He’s coming this way. Why is he coming this way?

Tom: <Darien> Bum a fry? *chew chew* Thanks.

Joel: <Serena> Someday… I’ll be the french fry.

>I needed to calm down. Okay. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly.

Crow: <Serena> Mmm, frying agent.

>I clasp my hands and hide them under the table. I count the number of
>scratches on the dull yellow surface of our table. One, two, three, four.

Joel: <Serena> You’ve tried the rest, now try the… damn it… *scratch scratch*…

> »Hey Serena, » I hear a deep baritone call out in front of me.

Tom: <Sam Elliot> Thank you for supporting beef.

>.Five, six, seven, eight. There are eight scratches. Eight scratches are on this

Crow: <The Count> Ah ah ah!

Joel: Uh, did we just take a wrong turn into Sesame Street?

>I slowly glance up at Darien.
> »Oh. Hi Darien, » I call out. « What’s up? »
>Andrew and Jae are standing behind him, talking to each other.

Crow: <Andrew> I wish I could ban Asian kids from my arcade, they take FOREVER to lose!

> »Nothing, just wanted to talk to you » Darien says, his blue eyes still fixed
>upon my face. He glances at my table of friends.

Tom: <Darien> So which one of you is Rachel… and who knocked YOU up?

> »Oh I’m sorry. Let me introduce you, » I say.
> »Darien, these are my friends; Raye, Mina, Lita and Amy. » I pause.
> »Everyone, this is Darien, the assistant coach of our team. » I smile up at

Joel: <Raye> Uh, did she forget we were teasing her about him like three seconds ago?

Tom: <Mina> Yeah, what the hell?

> »Nice to meet you all, » he smiles politely at them. Then his gaze fixes upon me
>with added intensity. My hands clench underneath the table.

Crow: Serena had yet to recover from the last declaration of a thumb war.

> »Umm Serena.I need to organize some of the game plans for the team after
>school today ».

Crow: <Darien as Homestar Runner> I’ve decided that it would be a good strategy
for our team to try and score more points than our opponents within the allotted

>His silver speckled sapphire eyes hold my cerulean blue ones.

Tom: Pupils squishing together… eyelashes hopelessly entangled…

Joel: If we hear about their quivering thews shortly, I quit.

> »Okay, » I say. My hands clench and unclench.

Crow: Much like her butt.

Tom: Especially after the pizza.

>His raven black hair falls into his eyes, and he lifts his hand to move it.

Joel: So emo it burns.

>He tilts his head as he asks, « Well if you aren’t busy, I was wondering if you
>could help? »

Crow: He’s asking a known klutz and spaz to coordinate a VOLLEYBALL game?

Tom: <Darien> Could you try on this bikini and lounge on the beach while I
secretly film you?

Crow: Ahh.

>My heart thuds louder. Underneath the table, my nails dig into my palm.
>I feel my face burn. I must look like a tomato right now. I practice breathing
>in and out. My throat feels dry so I nod my head. Darien’s eyes pierce me
>as he waits for a real answer.

Tom: Ah, the Edward Cullen method of persuasion.

>I open my mouth and force out, « S-Sure, I-I can do that. »
>He smiles a bright smile that does nothing to help my current disposition.

Crow: She’s a veritable rock of stable in an ocean of upheaval, isn’t she?

> »Great, so I’ll meet you in front of the gym at 3? »
>I gulp, and bob my head again.
> »Sounds like a plan » I squeak.
> »Alright, I’ll see you then. Bye! »
>With one last smile, he’s gone with Andrew and Jae at his side.

Joel: <Andrew> OK, enough stalling! Let’s go meet the Clampets at the
O.K. Corral!

Tom: <Author> And special thanks to Jae, the grand prize winner of my ‘Win
a cameo in a Sailor Moon Fanfic!’ contest! Give him a hand, everybody!

>I try to calm my blushing face with my hands. What the hell just happened?

Crow: Drive-by plot point?

Joel: We managed to cover a two-minute conversation in only twelve paragraphs?

>I look over at my friends, who are sitting far too quietly. They all have a
>wide-eyed, awe struck look which slowly changes into huge face spanning
>grins and smirks.

Tom: They’re all paying attention to high energy prop comic Carrot Top,
performing in the back.

>Raye’s words break the silence. « Oh no, you don’t like him one bit. »

Joel: And… rolls credits! Ha ha ha!

Tom: This has been « Mamoru Chiba Writes a Fanfic ». Tune in next week for « Ataru
Moroboshi Narrates His Little Black Book »!

Crow: Lemon warnings may apply.

Tom: Hey Joel, pick me up, I’ve got something for us to go see!

Joel: Uh, okay…

Crow: This oughta be good.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *


Tom hovered over to the counter, where an IBM Thinkpad sat open.
« I have the address, Joel, type this in…

« You know, Tom, it would be so much easier if you could just
copy-and-paste this from your mouth to the laptop… » Joel grunted.

« What, you can’t? » Tom asked, surprised.

« So what is this anyway? Another rant on the Xbox One or why
‘Man of Steel’ blows goats? Ooh, topical! » Crow exclaimed

« It’s SO AWESOME! » Tom enthused. « You’ll see, it’s one of the
best things I’ve seen on the ‘Net. »

Joel patted Tom’s bubblehead. « Okay, little buddy, let’s go to the
link and find… out…. huh. »

« You must’ve put it in wrong! » Tom accused.

« Nope, I copy-and-pasted like you said. » Joel replied.

« What the HELL, Internet! » Tom raged. « You gotta be kidding
me! We’ve been here for thirteen years, and you can’t even keep a
YouTube video up for TWO PIDDLY WEEKS? »

« Face it, Tom, » Crow needled, « It’s lost. Just like that picture of
the coffeepot that you were so hot about until the sale ad was taken
down. »

« YOU LEAVE LULU OUT OF THIS!! » Tom roared.

Joel chuckled. « Calm down, Tom. At least we’ve learned an
important lesson today. It’s only permanent when it’s upvoted on

« Or no one cares, it gets updated every eighteen months or so
and keeps hanging on regardless, » Crow remarked.

« Yeah, you’re right, it’s a crapshoot. » Tom nodded as
multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail.

« OHHH, WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! » Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It’s a metal door with no knob. You wait a bit and then
notice a handwritten note on the door that reads ‘I Quit!’.
Confused, you knock on the door and it simply tips over forward
to hit the ground. You shrug and pass through.)

(Door 5: It’s an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open
for you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It’s made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and
watch as the pile quickly descends until it’s half its original size
and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It’s filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It’s solid white marble. An Ankh floats from behind
you and touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It’s a drawbridge that lowers to the ground, revealing
a set of double wooden doors that open for you. You cross
the drawbridge cautiously, looking for friendly giants.)

(Door .7: It’s a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a big hand reaches
out of its center and pulls you inside.)

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura.

Joel: I’m not Mike Wallace or Sandy Renaldo either.

>Wife or Kid

Tom: The Woody Allen Story.

>Chapter 1 Annoying

Crow: <Author> Seriously, it’s SO irritating. Just skip to Chapter 2.

Tom: Early Amazon reviews were less than favourable…

Joel: Maybe the author let the prereaders name the chapters?

>Lum and Ataru were quietly resting in bed when, « WAH! » Kohana was

Tom: Don’t worry Lum, I know that you’re going for the consecutive baby-quieting
record! I’ll be here cheering you on, my snores will lead you to victory!

> »*GROAN* Oh GOD! » Ataru said. « What does she want? » Lum asked.

Crow: A big fat cigar and the Racing Times… whaddaya think!?

Joel: Clearly, she wants more responsible parents.

>Ataru sniffed the air, « OH MY GOD! THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE
>SMELL EVER! » Ataru shouted.


Joel: How the hell can Ataru summon all this emotion when it takes me half an
hour to attempt to care about moving my legs when I wake up?

> »Guessing he needs a change right? » Lum asked. « I’ll get the diapers from
>the kitchen (By the way their living on there own.). » Ataru said.

Crow: <Ataru> I smirked to myself as Lum went to change the baby, knowing I would
soon be out of this hellhole and in the warm embrace of my mistress…

Joel: <Lum> WHAT!?

Crow: <Ataru> I cursed myself as I realized I was monologuing out loud again.
My death would be swift yet AUUUUUGH…!!

> »*Groan* I didn’t work this much even as a slave. » Lum complained.

Tom: <Ataru> Hey, is it my fault you forgot the safety word?

Crow: <Lum> Who uses ‘ANTIESTABLISHMENTARIANISM’ as a safety word!?

> »Could be worse. » Ataru said « You could be by your self being Osamu’s
>slave again. »

Joel: <Lum> Thanks, honey. You really know how to raise a girl’s spirits.

>The two finally got the diaper on. The baby was still crying.

Crow: <Ataru> Whoops, we put the old diaper back on. Let’s try this again
and FOCUS, people!


Joel: Jesus Christ, that’s some bad spelling.



> »Well either way your Buddhist and I guess the babies hungry. » Lum said.
>Ataru then got some baby food.

Crow: <Ataru> Hey, Lum, stop spraying me with that.

Joel: <Lum> Hey, Ataru, stop grabbing me there then.

Crow: <Ataru> You ask the impossible.

>5 hours later…

Tom: Lum switches Kohana from the right to the left side, and switches Ataru
from the left to the right.

> »RING » the phone rung.

Crow: That damn phone knows its lines!

Joel: <Phone> If you love it, you should really put a ring on it!

> »Hello, Moroboshi residence. » Ataru said as he picked up the phone.
> »Moroboshi sup, wanna come over man I need someone to hang out with. »
>Mendou said.

Joel: <Ataru> Isn’t that why you bought the Toronto Raptors?

Tom: <Mendou, singing> Innn… West Hiroshima, born and raised… Pachinko
parlours is where I spent most of my days…

> »Sure » Ataru said as he hung up the phone and saying good bye.

Joel: Why he would bother saying good-bye AFTER hanging up the phone is anyone’s

> »Lum you care to go to Mendou’s house today? » Ataru asked. « Sure
>Darling but we first need a baby sitter. » Lum said. « I have an idea. » Ataru

Crow: <Lum> Duct tape does NOT fix everything.

> »Hey Shinobu can I ask a favor. » Ataru asked. « Sure what’cha need? »
>Shinobu asked.

Tom: <Ataru> Can you recommend a good babysitter? Lum and I are just plain stumped.

> »Well can you baby sit for me. » Ataru asked. « Sure. » Shinobu said as she
>hung up.

Joel: <Ataru> …uh, okay, I guess you know when to show up and for how long
and… why am I talking to a dial tone?

Crow: This fanfic’s been trimmed to the marrow.

> »Problem solved » Ataru said to Lum. « Well then, I guess we’re going to
>Mendou’s house. » Lum said

Tom: Fewer issues have been as momentous in fanfic as the Ataru Moroboshi Babysitter
Conundrum of 2006.

>Authors Note: So Shinobu’s gonna be a babysitter. What will happen, find
>out next time « Wife or Kid ».

Joel: Shinobu equals babysitter, Mendou equals gangsta, who’s next?

Tom: Fanfic equals migraine?

Crow: Natch.

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura.

Joel: I’m not a polka-dot zebra, nor do I pretend to be.

>Wife or Kid

Tom: Where’s Howie Mandel when you need him?

>Chapter 2 The Kidnapping


Bots: <singing Gillbert and Sullivan> So join us now, as we re-MST, the frigging
fic, the Kid-napping…!

Joel: No. Just… no.

>Ataru and Lum had just dropped off Kohana at Shinobu’s house.

Crow: <Ataru> Catch!

Tom: <Shinobu> Ooof!

>They then went to Mendou’s house. « I wonder what Mendou wants us for. »
>Ataru asked Lum shrugged.

Joel: The fanfic’s story has yet to roll out of bed.

>Back at the edge of the solar system…

Crow: The Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah and The Reapers had arrived at the same time and
engaged in an epic battle that saw both sides utterly destroyed. Whew!
Lucky break for us, huh?

> »Sir Earth is in our site. » One of Osamu’s servants said.

Tom: The Vogon Constructor Fleet moves ahead!

Joel: We’ve secured him behind a firewall and made sure he’s view only.

> »Good, I have a fool proof to get slave back. » Osamu said as they headed
>toward Earth.

Crow: Did I read that right? He has a drunk fool slaver?

Tom: Antecedents, no, but slaves very yes!

> »Moroboshi! What’s up? » Mendou asked. « Not much, man. » Ataru replied.

Crow: <Ataru> Why’d you call?

Joel: <Mendou> To find out what is up!

> »So you guys want some drinks? » Mendou asked. « Yes » Ataru and Lum

Joel: <Mendou> We have water, water, and… diet water.

Crow: <Ataru> Can I have ice in…

Joel: <Mendou> No!

>Before Mendou could even walk out of the room the ground started
>rumbling. « What the » The three said as they ran outside.

Tom: <deep voice> Hey hey hey!

Joel: A game of Buck Buck ended tragically today…

>In the sky a planet Cro ship was in the air and what seemed like a box falling
>toward them.

Crow: Snake? SNAAAAAAKE!!!

>As the box hit the ground Mendou opened it « Huh a tape? » Ataru asked.

Joel: <Ataru> Man, I haven’t had a VCR for like five years now.

Crow: <Mendou> What’s a VCR?

> »Hey that house is heading for Shinobu’s house! » Lum said. « Oh no » Ataru

Tom: Oh those Japanese… EVERYTHING larger than a breadbox has to be a mecha in


>Right then a tractor beam went off toward the distance.

Crow: The lights went out! A lady screamed!

Joel: <Mendou> The butler did it!

> »Oh god. That’s Kohana! » Ataru said as his daughter was being kidnapped.

Crow: He’s less an protagonist than an impassive narrator.

Joel: <Ataru> Oh god. My Kidnapper’s an Alien!

Bots: …

Joel: What?

> »Well maybe this tape might help. » Mendou said as he held up the tape.

Joel: <Ataru> See, Lum? Duct tape DOES fix everything!

Crow: <Lum> Mendou, don’t be an Ataru.

>Mendou had put the tape in a video player. « HA! Ataru, sla-uh I mean
>’Lum' » Osamu started

Tom: And the villain chunks his line but the camera keeps rolling.

> »You two probably know about my plan, but I have your daughter and if
>you wanna set her free you must give me Lum back as a slave. » Osamu said
>as the TV turned off.

Crow: <Ataru> No, wait! Damn it, who left the snooze button on!?

Joel: What’d he do, reach through the screen and turn the volume button?

> »Well Lum, you ever wonder what its like to save someone from Osamu? »
>Ataru asked « Well your about to find out.

Tom: <Ataru> ‘Cause you’re going while I pull up a patch of couch.

Joel: <Lum> Do I have a line yet? No? But my daughter was kidnapped and… seriously, no

lines? Huh…

>Authors note: Wow Osamu has got Kohana but Lum and Ataru will find
>help from a certain dark person.

Crow: Shadow Thief?

Joel: Roald Dahl?

Tom: Dick Cheney?

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and own Urusei Yatsura.

Joel: <Author> I won it from her in a poker game. She drew to an inside
straight, can you believe it?

>Wife or Kid

Tom: <Tatewaki Kunou> I must have them BOTH!

Joel: <Ataru> I’ll just skip to the end and find out!

>Chapter 3 Darkness is gonna help?

Crow: <Ataru> Hey, I do it with the lights on or I don’t do it, period.

>Ataru and Lum had just token off from Earth.

All: Duuuuuuuuuude….

Crow: By bong or by bowl?

Joel: They found Mendou’s stash.

> »You said you have a plan Darling? » Lum asked. « Yep » Ataru said as they
>toward the moon.

Tom: Incidentally, this was Plan 10.

> »Uh Darling we’re getting to close to the moon. » Lum said. Ataru continued
>to make the ship go toward the moon.

Crow: Cinematography by Georges Melies.

Joel: Hey, so far this is still better than Transformers 3.

> »Uh Darling what are doing. » Lum asked. Right then Ataru pressed the
>warp button toward the moon.

Tom: <Lum> Why did I let you drive what I assume is my UFO when you have
NO idea how to do so?

Crow: This is what happened when Studio Pierrot let Bob Clampett direct,
the Moon just lifted it’s skirt and jumped on a chair.

> »DARLING WE’RE GOING TO CRASH! » Lum yelled. Then 30 seconds
>of screaming and panicking later they splashed through a bunch of water.

Joel: They finally came down from their high and realized they were in a
community pool.

Crow: <Lum as Ren Hoek> You imbecile! I have collision coverage, injury
coverage, even earthquake coverage… and you manage to FLOOD the damn thing?

> »Master Rupa someone has just came through the airport! » a short little
>guard said.

Joel <guard> De pain, boss, de PAIN!

Crow: Air…port? With air, right? Not water? Air that wouldn’t survive space?
Is this below or above the water that doesn’t exist?

Tom: Does not compute! Does not compute111!eleven doesnotcomputeuteuteute BZZZZZT!
Ai-yah. Ai-yah. Ai-yah…

> »Who are they? » Rupa asked. « Sir they’re from the world of light. »
>Reported the servant. « Oh god » Rupa said.

Joel: <Rupa> One flashlight could spell doom for our civilization!

> »Hey Rupa what’s up? » Ataru asked. « What do you want. » Rupa.

Crow: All this and more on a brand-new episode of « Hey Rupa What’s Up »!

> »Well we need your help. » Ataru said. « Oh god » Rupa said tiredly

Joel: <Rupa> Psst, I’m trying to get that over as my new catchphrase! Is is working?

>Back at planet Cro

Crow: Give me a planet by the side of the universe and I will be a friend to vacuum.

> »Now with this baby, Lum will definitely be my slave. When they come I
>will kill Ataru and keep the baby and raise it to be my slave also! » Osamu
>laughed manically.

Tom: This evil plan has « Lawndale Gun Club » written all over it.

>Then all of the sudden Lum’s ship landed in the front of the palace.

Crow: <Author> Crap, there goes the rigging. Uh, yeah, they’ve… landed.

Joel: We’re super-sure this isn’t « Zoidberg Writes an Urusei Yatsura ‘Fic »?

>Ataru and Lum exited the ship and Lum had her hands up with a chain on
>her neck.

Joel: Lum picked an odd time to be cosplaying as Slave Leia.

> »We give up, give Darling the baby. » Lum said. « Wow, that was easy. »
>Osamu said.

Tom: <Osamu> What the HELL are you doing? We’ve got to pad the ‘fic!

>Authors Note: Well you know when you’re beat. Ataru and Lum know that.
>But their not beat. All part of the plan.

Joel: Part 4 is where Axel Foley is introduced, isn’t it?

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura.

Crow: <Author> But God help you if you visit Park Place or the Boardwalk.
Two hotels, bitches!

>Wife or Kid

Tom: Place your bets! Place your bets!

>Chapter 4 Wait is this real

Joel: So, the other three chapters were figments of our imagination?

Crow: Are we going to get into a big long discussion about the superego and
the hive mind?

>Lum stood there with her hands up, a chain on her neck and Oni tape.

Crow: Sure thing author, it’s your story. It’s really convenient that Lum
manufactures her own bondage gear though.

Tom: Whatevs, as long as she doesn’t ride a refrigerator through a nuclear
blast, we good.

> »Give Darling the baby master. » « First you come here slave. » Lum did so.

Joel: <Lum> So far this is the worst role-play I’ve ever been in.

>As soon as Lum got over to Osamu, a cage dropped from the roof onto

Crow: <Osamu> Whoops, sorry, that was supposed to trap you, not… oh, he’s
dead? Even better!

> »AH! What is this! » Ataru asked. « You really thought I would give you this
>kid? You’re more foolish than I thought.

Crow: <Ataru> Hey, it’s Wife or Kid, you have to pick one!

Tom: <Osamu> I reject your fanfic’s title and substitute my own!

Crow: <Ataru> Oh, the hell with this! Lum, use your powers and zap this guy already.

Joel: <Lum> I have powers?

>I’ll just shoot you, keep this kid and your wife and keep both as slaves. »
>Osamu said. « Well maybe you won’t hurt Darling » Lum said as she flew
>from the ship with a gun at hand.

Joel: <Lum> Sure, you’ll keep my kid as your slave, but maybe you won’t hurt Darling.

Tom: <Osamu> Works for me!

> »Wait, but how? » Osamu started. « Let’s just say it involved a copy
>mushroom from an old friend. » Lum said remembering how Rupa’s
>grandfather used a copy mushroom on her.

Crow: <Author> Did I mention watching the fifth UY movie was MANDATORY before

reading this fic? Well, now you know!

Joel: I saw the fifth film and I still have NO idea what she’s talking about.

> »Now let Darling and Kohana go. » Lum ordered. « Or maybe· Osamu said
>as a guard came and pointed a gun toward Lum. « You both could give up. »

Tom: It’s an Anime standoff, first one to angst dies!

> »Lum lowered to the ground. « You sent a man to try this. » Lum asked. She
>then kicked him in the balls and quickly flew toward Osamu.

Crow: The recoil from kicking him in the balls sent her flying wildly out of
control towards Osamu.

> »DON’T OR I’LL SHOOT! » Osamu said as he pointed the gun at Kohana.
>Lum then stopped. « I’ll let your ‘Darling’ and baby go, just get over here
>and get this tape and chain on. » Osamu said.

Joel: As long as this doesn’t lead to syrup and Crisco…

Tom: <Osamu> I’m a reasonable man! I only threaten babies when I have to!

>Lum knew if she did, she would be his slave for the third time. « Ten
>seconds to decide » Osamu said as he had his gun trained on Kohana.


Joel: <Lum> Quick, darling! Push him down some stairs before it’s too late!

>Lum thought and thought. « ok » Lum said very quietly. « Good, now come
>here. You’re mine again and Ataru better not come back. Tell him to not
>come back. » Osamu ordered. « Darling don’t come back. » Lum said.

Crow: You’ve heard of phoning in your performance? I think Lum sent hers by
Pony Express.

> »Good » Osamu said « Ataru and your kid » Osamu started. « Her name is
>Kohana. » Lum said. « Ok, Ataru and Kohana will be returned to Earth
>ASAP. » Osamu said.

Joel: <Osamu> Just step into this chicken cannon and we’ll have you there in
no time splat… er… flat!

>Osamu kept his word and Ataru and Kohana were returned to Earth.
> »Finally their gone » Osamu started. « Now to business » Osamu then started
>reaching for Lum.

Tom: <Osamu> You’ve got ten years of my backlog taxes to file!

>Authors Note: I’ll give the one that guess’s what Osamu’s about to do to
>Lum a cookie.

Crow: Give us a hint… does it rhyme with cookie?

Joel: MSTers Note: I’ll give the one that guesses what I’m about to suggest
the author do with his cookie a cookie.

>I was gonna make this a very short fanfic but I then got an idea. It will make
>a lot of people happy for a surprise hero.

Tom: Yeah, well I’m not holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night.

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura.
>Wife or Kid

Joel: Is this still an open question?

Crow: Well, obviously he picked Kid last chapter! Debate’s over!

>Chapter 5 New Plan

Crow: <Author> Okay, rewrite time! Osamu never existed and, uh, Ataru and
Lum are detectives… fighting crime in a future time… yeah.

>Ataru was on the ship on the way to Earth with Kohana and the Lum clone
>that Osamu let him keep.

Crow: Oh, well that’s… W-WHAT?!?

Tom: <Richard Attenborough> Welcome…. to Lum-tastic Park. <singing> Dah-dah,
dah-dah, da-da-daaah da da duh da….

Joel: <Ataru> Contrivance finds a way.

> »How could I let this happen? My plan was fool proof. » Ataru was really

Tom: <Ataru> The water did nothing, how could Mel Gibson be so wrong?

>He had just lost his wife as a slave again. Ataru though had swore never to
>return to Cro again.

Crow: Yeah, I keep beating him in three-card monte.

>Later on Earth…


Tom: Once Ataru found out the clone ran on two AA batteries, he’d take them
out nightly to chase girls again. Everyone lived happily ever after, the end.

> »Moroboshi, did you rescue Lum finally once and for all. » Mendou asked.
>Ataru shook his head. « Then go back and save her. » Mendou demanded.

Crow: <Ataru> Of course! It’s so obvious! Thanks, bra. I owe you one.

> »I can’t. » Ataru said « He has made me swear never to go back, or he’ll kill
>her on the spot. » « Oh »

Joel: <Mendou> Which spot?

Crow: <Ataru> I dunno, call him and ask.

> »But I still have this clone, not sure what to do with it. » « Oh wait! I have an

Joel: Anyone else seeing another « Weekend at Bernie’s » coming down the pike?

Tom: Y’know, if this was a mid-90s RPG, she’d just have palette-swapped pink
hair and a green striped bikini…

>Lum has something in her UFO that can make you go to the past right? »
>Mendou asked « Yeah » Ataru said « Oh »

Joel: (facefaults)

Crow: What the hell else is the writer going to write into the UFO?

Tom: We have to go back! Back… to the drawing board!

>Authors note: FINALLY UPDATED! I’m really sorry this took forever.
>Also sorry for it being really short, just wanted everyone to know i’m alive.

Tom: <Author> Special thanks to the rugby team that kept me going until I was
rescued. *urp* Excuse me.

>But for all still reading, please review or I will not continue making these.

Joel: <Author> If you don’t review, you also lose your cookie privileges!

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura.

Crow: I’m not a little bit country. I’m not a little bit rock and roll.

>Wife or Kid

Joel: Bella or Renesmee?

Bots: Team Apathy.

>Chapter 6 One life ends a new begins

Tom: Joel Schumacher kills the franchise, Chris Nolan brings it back.

>It has been 2 years since Lum was enslaved. Ataru had kept his promise to
>not go back to Cro ever again.

Crow: Namely cause he still owed me ten bucks.

Joel: So it’s just Ataru and his daughter now, huh? Why do I have a sudden
urge to sing the theme to ‘Who’s the Boss’?

>He sobbed every night thinking of his enslaved wife.

Tom: <Ataru, sobbing> Oh, Bum…

Joel: <Kohana> Lum!

>Kohana was now two and was starting to speak.

Crow: <Kohana> Hen-tai! Lech-er! Ecc-hi!

Tom: <Ataru> Mental note: fire Shinobu as my babysitter.

>Ataru had finally decided a profession one year ago, professional wrestler.

Tom: Which means he now carries ceremonial salt in all his pockets and is
accompanied everywhere by Mr. Fuji.

>He had joined the WWF to take out his anger on everything that has
>happened to him.

Crow: But after the fifth panda went down in a hail of bullets, Ataru was
forced to retreat from the angry mob.

>He went under the name of Hannibal, a masked Japanese wrestler.

Joel: <Narrator> Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a
jobber to the stars…

>He had been pretty famous around the world around for the tag race so
>Vince (owner of the company in case you didn’t know) gave him
>an immediate push making his first match for the intercontinental

Tom: Which either means Ataru is roided out the ass or he’s marrying
Vince’s daughter. Or both.

Crow: Are we absolutely sure we’re still in the same story?

Joel: I’m not even sure we’re still in the same universe.

>Then later he lost the belt and two months later became WWF Champion.

Joel: <chuckling> I’m guessing he FOUND the belt then?

Crow: Or, at least, kept hiking his pants up constantly.

>And to the present…

Tom: Now Ataru jobs to Kin Corn Karn on a nightly basis.

Joel: This was all a flashback?

Tom: No, it’s a video package before Ataru’s next match. LOUSY storyline
but darn good production values!

>Look into my eyes, what do you see?

Crow: Pupils?

>Cult of personality
>I know your anger, I know your dreams
>I’ve been everything you want to be
>I’m the cult of personality
>like Mussolini and Kennedy

Joel: And he always makes sure his matches end on time.

> »Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the WWF champion Hannibal! »

Tom: The crowd reacted much more favourably to Ataru once he started
riding an elephant down the rampway.

>Neon lights, a Nobel prize
>The mirror speaks, the reflection lies
>You don’t have to follow me
>Only you can set me free

Joel: Now seriously, who would be more awesome to sing these lyrics?
William Shatner or Adam West?

>I sell the things you need to be
>I’m the smiling face on your t.v.
>I’m the cult of personality
>I exploit you still you love me

Crow: Oh, it’s another commercial from ‘The Wiz’!

>I tell you one and one makes three
>I’m the cult of personality
>Like Joseph Stalin and Gandi
>I’m the cult of personality
>Cult of personality
>Cult of personality

All: <chanting> The Pumaman… The Pumaman… The Pumaman….

> »Well ladies and Gentlemen I’ve only been here a half a year and…

Crow: <Ataru> And my own personal Divas search is still going on! We
will eliminate to a semi-final stable of one hundred fifty by February next!

>We walk alone
>In the unknown
>We live to win another victory
>We are the young

Tom: It’s ANOTHER SONG. How long does it take for Ataru to walk his skinny
ass to the ring?

>Dying sons
>We live to change the face of history so be afraid
>It’s the price we pay
>The only easy day was yesterday

Joel: Let’s give history the makeover it deserves!

>So hear our voice,
>We have a choice,
>It’s time to face it

Crow: Fries or Salad, decide NOW America!

Tom: America’s Got Shit.

> Ataru’s face was in horror when he saw who came out. It was Osamu with
> Lum’s chain in his hand.

Joel: <Osamu> Lost: One Oni. Answers to Lum or ‘Stop her, she’s escaping!’ Reward.

>We are one
>We are one
>We are one
>We will stand together

Crow: Actually, just me and myself will. I bailed.

>Number one
>Number one
>The chosen ones

Joel: It’s much funnier if you picture Patrick Stewart singing this.

Tom: Almost as funny as picturing Johnathan Frakes reaction to it.

>We are one
>We are one
>we will fight forever
>we are one and we won’t die young

Tom: We’ll die old!

Joel: Grizzled!

Crow: And wanting of soup!

> »Whoa man you look like you’ve seen a ghost. » Osamu said

Tom: <Ataru> I see dead people. Right now I’m looking at one. I’m gonna get
Undertaker to carve you a coffin for SUMMERSLAM!!

Crow: <Osamu> Only on pay-per-view!

> »But anyway I was watching you win that title and said ‘Hey! My goal is to
>make his life suck and be meaningless.’

Joel: Meaningless, like watching the first two chapters of an Urusei Yatsura ‘fic
turn into some sort of wrestling soap opera where NEITHER plot gets closure?

>So I’m gonna challenge you for that belt and if you win· Osamu threw Lum
>to the ground and put his boot on her back and pull on her chain with
>mighty force to provoke Ataru. « You get this thing back. »

Crow: <Osamu> Oops, I didn’t mean to turn you on! *pulls chain again*

>But as Osamu said that Ataru was already out of the ring and started
>chasing Osamu. He chased him all around the back.

Joel: Lum sighed as she was dragged all over the area on her tummy.

>When Ataru finally went to the parking lot, he wasn’t there.

Tom: <Ataru> I’m not? Then where the hell am I!?

>When Ataru started to walk back inside he was jumped by Osamu.

Joel: <Osamu> KING MEEEEEEE!!! *splat*

Crow: And we’re absolutely sure this wasn’t a glomp?

>He started beating on him and then through him into a car wind shield (This
>is Ataru’s car).

Joel: <Ataru> NO! Not my car… wind… shield!

Tom: <Wrestling fan> Let’s go to a RAW taping you said… Much more fun
than watching wrestling on the television you said… Well, I’m covered in
spit, my beer’s warmer than a chocolate fudge and the diva in the ring hasn’t
had a nip slip all night!

> »Take that as a yes, see you at summerslam champ. »

Crow: Can’t we just switch Lum’s last name from Invader to McGuffin?

> »Well ladies and gentlemen there you have our summerslam main event.
>Well anyway for our later match… »

Tom: I’d say let’s flip over to TNA but I’m too scared we’ll see Kagome
Higurashi facing Samoa Joe in a stretcher match…

>Author’s Note: I’m back.

Joel: Oh. This is actually when the T-800 unit writes a fanfic.

> You all thought I was dead. Well you were wrong. Here is this chapter.

Crow: Okay, which wiseguy said the author’s name three times to bring him back to

Joel: <Author> There is no escape from my fanfic. This chapter will be followed
by another… and then another…

>THX for reading this long anticipated chapter from my loving fans. (Chirp,
>Chirp, Chirp) Oh haha.

Tom: Wow.

Crow: It finally happened. An author snapped like a Slim Jim.

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura, also I don’t
>own WWE

Crow: Nor do I own « Cake Boss », « Toddlers and Tiaras », or « Dollhouse ». Did I
forget to mention those in the summary too?

Tom: I’m also not Roger Ebert but then *I* didn’t give ‘The Happening’ three stars.

(Joel and Crow gasp in horror)

Tom: Too soon?

>Wife or Kid
>Chapter 7 Monday Night RAW

Crow: The previous setting, ‘Urusei Yatsura’, will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you

the following special presentation. And by ‘special’, we mean… well, you know.

Joel: So this is a fusion now? Gee, and it was so seamless too.

>The old Monday night raw intro went on

Joel: As did the beat.

Crow: <singing> Fanfic… pounding a rhythm… in my brain…

>as Monday night raw began. « Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Monday
>night raw, I’m Gorilla Monsoon along with my broadcast partner Bobby
> »the brain » Heenan. » Said the lead announcer from the classic RAW

Tom: That’s one hell of a tape delay McMahon’s running.

> »Monsoon I tell you what this newly born rivalry between Hannibal and that
>one guy who came out last week is looking hot after only a week. » Said
>Bobby Heenan.

Joel: <Bobby Heenan> They don’t pay me enough to pronounce a Japanese wrestler’s name.

> »Well either way a match between Hannibal and an opponent of that guys
>choosing will go against each other in a ladder match, and the winner gets
>to choose the stipulation to the match at summerslam.

Crow: <Bobby Heenan> Like ‘Turn your back to me so I can waffle you with a tire iron?’

Tom: <Gorilla Monsoon> Will you stop?!?

>Later in the back…
>Ataru was warming up in the locker room when Osamu walked in the door
>with Lum’s chain in his hand.

Crow: <Osamu> Here’s a fiver. Can you walk her for me?

> »Hello, champ I was just coming in to say good luck to you. » Osamu said.
> Ataru scowled at him

Tom: He’s enslaved, abused and done God knows what else to your wife and you
SCOWL at him. Way to avenge, Ataru.

>I’m giving this luck to you because tonight, you’re wrestling yokozuna. But
>since I’m so nice I’ll let Lum stay with you til your match. »

Joel: <Osamu> And if you’re really good, I’ll bring you home some McDonalds and a
treat of the week!

Crow: <Ataru> Yayyy… hey, wait a minute!

>Osamu pad locked Lum’s chain to a locker. Lum had a tear in her eye,

Joel: <Illustrator> Whoops. Heh, guess I over-sharpened the pencil.

> »Darling I missed you so much! Please don’t lose at summerslam! » Lum

Tom: And please don’t lose the rematch at Survivor Series and especially come out
on top for Royal Rumble just in time for the main event of Wrestlemania!

Crow: <Ataru, deadpan> Only on Pay-Per-View.

> « He’s been abusing me so much! He sometimes whips me for no reason,
>sometimes he makes me even strip for him! »

Joel: He doesn’t even play any accompanying music, the heartless jerk!

Crow: So, she works with Opus at the Bloom Picayune?

> »Lum it’ll be okay I’ll win at summerslam I guarantee it. » Ataru said

Tom: Where is the kid in all of this anyway?

Crow: <Kohana> Got any threes?

Joel: <Shinji Ikari> Go fish.

> » When I win my match tonight I have a very special stip. Planned for

Crow: <Ataru> All Divas everywhere will take part in my Battle Harem!

Tom: And that keeps the ‘fic truer to the source material than… well, the ‘fic.

>The main event…

Crow: I’d gladly take a Streisand movie over this.

> »Ladies and Gentlemen this bout is a ladder match. »

Tom: You’ll need a ladder to get high enough to care.

Joel: Still better than a bladder match.

Tom: Ew.

>Look in my eyes
>What do you see?
>The cult of personality

Joel: Y’know, I tried the cult of pastrami once but all we did was talk Turkey.

Crow: I would’ve done a Rickroll joke… but that’s so 2008.

>Introducing first from Tomobiki Japan, weighing in at 234 lbs Hannibal!

Crow: Oh! That’s where the kid went. Ataru ate her.

Joel: That joke was in poor taste.

Tom: Hey-o!

Joel: Stop it, you two.

>I know your anger, I know your dreams
>I’ve been everything you want to be
>Oh, I’m the cult of personality

Tom: Should I be happy or sad that the author put more thought into the theme
music than in explaining how Ataru became a wrestler?

Crow: More thought? He just cut and paste those lyrics!

Tom: That explains everything then.

>Like Mussolini and Kennedy
>I’m the cult of personality
>The cult of personality
>The cult of personality

Joel: Like Crow and Tom, I’m the cult of apathy. The cult of… ah, I’m too lazy
to finish it.

>Neon lights, a Nobel prize
>When a mirror speaks, the reflection lies

Tom: When a mirror speaks to me, I run out of my bathroom screaming.

Crow: That’s funny, I just fog it up and draw a middle finger on it.

>Ataru’s music faded out as yokozuna’s music hit

Tom: <Bobby Heenan> Yokozuna’s music just did a pearl harbour job on Ataru’s music!

Ataru’s music is down!

>And his opponent from Tokyo Japan weighing in at 456 lbs Yokozuna

Joel: Yokozuna ate the punctuation on his way down the aisle.

> »Ring! » Ataru immediately got out of the ring. Yoko ran after him.

Crow: The best way to fight a fat man…. turn it into a race.

>Ataru stopped and armed dragged him and feels his arm for any dislocation.

Tom: If you needed any MORE proof that Ataru’s on steroids…

>Ataru got the ladder and threw it in the ring. He quickly set up the ladder
>and started climbing. Yoko quickly entered the ring to stop Ataru. He
>dragged Ataru off the ladder and picked him up and body slammed him.
>Yoko climbed the ladder. « Holy Hell! How is Yokozuna not breaking that
>ladder! » Bobby Heenan yelled into his headset.

Joel: Physics!

>Yoko climbed until he got to the top, he then started reaching for the
>briefcase suspended 20 ft over the ring. Ataru quickly got up and pushed
>the ladder over.

Yoko fell to the campus and actually fell through the ring.

Tom: Yoko almost picked up a BBA on the way down.

>Ataru quickly set the ladder back up and climbed it.

Crow: <singing> Cause he’s got… HIIIIIIGH HOPES!

>We walk alone
>In the unknown

Joel: <Ataru> Hey, the match isn’t over yet! Don’t play my theme music till I
grab the belt! Geez!

>Osamu then ran out and grabbed Ataru off the ladder and threw him out of
>the ring, Osamu then grabbed the briefcase and jumped down the ladder
>and handed the briefcase to Yokozuna.

Tom: That swerved straight into an oak tree.

> »Ring! » « Here is your winner Yokozuna! »

Joel: Tell ’em what he’s won, Johnny!

>Osamu then grabbed a microphone « Ladies and gentlemen, I have already
>decided for the match for Summerslam. »

Tom: <Osamu> I’ve decided I’m going to win.

Crow: <Ataru> Well, shit.

>He stared at Ataru. « Our passion to win is so great the only to beat us is to
>kill us. So I have decided we will fight to the death! » Osamu then dropped
>the microphone.

All: <chuckles>

Tom: <Osamu> Damn it… why is this thing so slippery? And why does it reek of
light beer?

>Monday Night RAW just got its first OMG moment.

Joel: It’s terrific that Gorilla Monsoon took those correspondence courses from the
grave in order to update his announcing style for Yokozuna matches… wait, are we
absolutely sure this isn’t Ataru versus zombies?

>Authors note: A… A death match? It’s about time!

Crow: Yeah, if there’s one thing wrestling needs more of, it’s death.

Tom: Death means nothing, we just saw Zombie Yokozuna climb a ladder.

>Review what you think about the ultimate hardcore match.

Joel: Mick Foley Vs. Soup?

Crow: Bite your tongue!

>I’m not Rumiko Takahashi and I don’t own Urusei Yatsura. I’m also not
>Vince McMahon and don’t own WWE

Tom: I’m also not Stephenie Meyers and I don’t own Twilight. By the way, you may
not want to read the next crossover… err, chapter.

>Wife or Kid

Crow: I think it’s safe to assume Kid is completely forgotten by this point.

Tom: We’re still going with this? Can’t we at least get a contradictory subtitle so
that you’re aware of what you’ve done up until now?

>Chapter 8 Time to face it

All: <singing> We’re addicted to crud. Might as well face it, we’re addicted to crud…

>The summerslam fireworks went off as the show was now beginning.

Joel: <King of Cartoons> Let the cartoooooon… begin!

> »Good evening and welcome to summerslam, Gorilla Monsoon along with
>my broadcast partner Bobby Heenan » « Oh man our main event is crazy
>with Hannibal vs. Osamu I believe. »

Crow: <Chairman Kaga> If memory serves me right…

Joel: As long as Mick Foley doesn’t come out twice and wrestle against himself,
we’re good.

>The following contest is a death match for the World Wrestling Federation

Crow: I’ve heard of one match shows, but this is ridiculous!

Tom: Wait, they’re starting off SummerSlam with the MAIN EVENT? What about the under-
card? The pre-match promos? And didn’t Yokozuna already win the title from Ataru in
the ladder… ARRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Joel: <soothing> Tom, Tom honey, it’s okay. You’re suffering a fannish episode. Just
lie down for a minute, you’ll feel better.

Tom: <sobbing> Where’s Jack Tunney when you need him!?

>Awesome! I came to play
>There’s a price to pay
>Time for you to get down on your knees and pray

Crow: Oh great and merciful God, please spare us YET ANOTHER song montage to pad out
the fic in lieu of actual content!

Tom: <Richard> Denied!

>I came to pay
>Say goodbye to the good old days
>Their never coming back

Joel: My DVD collection begs to differ.

Crow: You’re right, I’ll never know a life prior to « Wife or Kid? » again.

>Watch your future fade
>I came to play
>I came to play to get my dues paid
>I guess you had a dream
>But it cant be saved
>I came to play

Tom: He has a QUARTER.

Joel: It’s Burgertime!

>I’m here to stay
>Best get out of my way
>I have come to play


>I go inside this light
>I see new life unfold
>Each second I burn brighter
>Your fire is going cold

Joel: Let’s see… who else would be funnier to envision singing this then… I got
it, Ben Stein!

Crow: <Ben Stein> Hilarity.

>Then Ataru’s music hit

Tom: Mommy! Ataru’s music isn’t staying on its side of the car!!

Joel: Hey, pipe down or I’ll turn this fanfic around RIGHT NOW!

Crow: That’s my vote too, don’t tease us!

>Look in my eyes
>What do you see?
>The cult of personality

Bots: Seen it! Retweeted it!

Joel: More like The cult of repetition.

Bots: The cult of repetition?

Joel: <sighing> Yes.

>I know your anger, I know your dreams
>I’ve been everything you want to be
>Oh, I’m the cult of personality

Crow: I’d give my right arm for a TiVo about now.

Joel: So, Ataru, you copy other people’s songs without asking them? That’s quite the
cult you’re… cultivating.

>Like Mussolini and Kennedy
>I’m the cult of personality
>The cult of personality
>The cult of personality

Tom: <Ataru> All tithes payable to « Hannibal, PO Box 7413… »

>Neon lights, a Nobel prize
>When a mirror speaks, the reflection lies
>You don’t have to follow me
>Only you can set me free

Crow: <singing> Cause you have the only… frigging keyyy…!

Joel: Well, at least we’re spared from his twitter.

> »Introducing first from planet Cro weighing in at 245 lbs OSAMUUUUU!

Crow: If he gains any more weight, they’ll be calling him SHAMUUUUU!

>And his opponent, from Tomobiki Japan weighing in at 239 lbs, he is the
>WWF champion HAAANNIBAL! »

Crow: I see that Osamu and Ataru are training at the same McDonalds.

Joel: So Ataru holds one of the four dozen or so WWE belts…

Tom: They give them out with every Happy Meal.

>Osamu then grabbed the microphone « Before we start I want someone in
>my corner

Crow: Doc Louis?

Joel: The robot from Rocky IV?

Tom: What is this, « The Dating Game? » Get on with it!

>This is not okay
>For me to feel this way
>and I don’t believe a single word you say

Crow: <Osamu> Dr. Phil. I’m really conflicted, I don’t know if fighting is the right

Tom: <Dr. Phil> You need to start listening to me and stop listening to yourself cause
you need my book and my book needs to be read by you and help me help you help yourself
to helping myself help you better. My wife’s in the audience. There she is. We’ll be
right back.

>Then Lum came out guided by one of Osamu’s guards.

Tom: …wearing a red usher’s uniform and carrying a big flashlight.

Joel: <Osamu’s guard> This way, please. Mind the step. Would you like some popcorn
with your entertainment this evening, miss?

>No not this way, not this way okay?
>Nothing in this life is free
>Slave until they bury me
>I’m blinded, running from it

Tom: She must’ve taken a hit of « Arrogance » to the face.

Joel: <singing> You can RUN WITH US! We’ve got EVERYTHING YOU NEED! RUN WITH

Tom: Most overblown music for a cartoon, EVER. And I love it.

>Forever looking for a
>taste that honey, chase that money,
>keep on running away
>till you die

Crow: I think I liked the old Honey Nut Cheerios jingle better.

>You are just a slave!
>Working for a wage
>That barely even pays
>And I’m losing sleep, every single day

All: <singing> Work all day, for some old man…

> »Ring! » The final match between these two had begun.
>There were no lock ups Ataru just ran for the back. Osamu chased after

Joel: Ataru’s gunning for craft services to see if they’ve got more coffee.

Tom: Grab us some too, Ataru.

>Ataru made it to the stage until Osamu bulldogged him on the stage he then
>just stomped Ataru face. He then kicked him in the gut. Then running into
>the back early.

Crow: Is this wrestling or what happened outside that bar in « Good Will Hunting »?

Tom: <Howard Finkel> Ladies and Gentlemen, the referee has just informed me that this
match… is a FAIL!

>He walked back out with a pistol.

Joel: Oh, now that’s just being unsportsmanlike.

>Lum then ran up resisting the guard and kicked Osamu in the groin.

Crow: *gasps* Could it be…?

Tom: Yes, the return of the dreaded KICK TO THE NADS!!!

All: ONI 3:16 RULZS!!1! WOOOO!1!

>Osamu then had a high squeaky scream.

Joel: Like Harley Quinn?

Crow: Nah, more like Aro from Twilight.

Joel: Yikes.

>Lum then was tackled by a guard.
>Ataru was then getting up and just started beating on Osamu.

Tom: <Ataru> You brute, you brute, you brute, you vicious brute!! A-huh-huh-huh…!!

Joel: <Osamu> <patting his back> All right… all right…

>He then threw him off the stage and grabbed the gun.

Tom: Look out, Ataru’s about to SHOOT!

(Crow and Joel glower at Tom.)

Tom: What?

>Ataru then blasted Osamu’s arm off. « You jerk! You shot my arm off! »
>Ataru then shoots his leg off

Joel: <Osamu> That’s better. Wait a minute! OWWWWW!!!

Crow: Good thing Ataru’s going for symmetry there.

Tom: What does Osamu have in common with every wrestling fan? The PPVs all cost
an arm and a leg! Ha, I got a million of ’em!

> »Now you will never mess with my family again. Have fun in hell. »

Crow: I hear they’ve got plenty of hot springs.

Joel: <Ataru> Tell Duo Maxwell and Usagi I said hello… IN HELL!

>Ataru then blows Osamu’s brains out.

Tom: *Whoosh!*

Crow: And we didn’t do this five chapters ago because…..?


Joel: But you still have to cover him for the three-count, Ataru!

Tom: No no, you need to put him in the casket and close the lid or the match
must continue!

>The bell would have rung if every one wasn’t in shock. The whole world

Crow: No, that was just Cobra. Don’t worry, G.I. Joe is there.

Tom: So this entire fanfic was just another experiment for the Strangers?

>Ataru then went to the ring and grabbed a microphone and said



Crow: <Lum> Darling, what are you doing?

Joel: <Ataru> Putting the cold war to bed, baby. We’re done here.

> »Ladies and gentlemen, I have been honored to be your champion for so
>long, but now I have my life back, so I am retiring tonight to go home and
>live a peaceful life. Goodbye. »

Tom: Which in wrestling terms means he’ll be back in either six months… or
about an hour.

>Ataru then Left with Lum by his side.

Joel: <Lum> So darling, where’s Kohana? Is she safe?

Crow: <Ataru> Lum… do you want this story to end or not?

Joel: <Lum> Point taken.

>This is where the story ends goodbye.

Tom: The author needed a head start before the readers released the hounds.

Joel: But what about Ataru’s son?

Crow: Shut UP, Joel.

>The End

Crow: And no question mark in sight, Richard, we thank you.

>Authors note: jmonsterx fans out there don’t worry I’m not done with my
>writing yet. I am done with my Urusei Yatsura stuff.

Tom: <Start humming ‘Ode to Joy’>

Joel: <Lum> I can fly, shoot lightning, even talk again! It’s a miracle!

Crow: <Ataru> Thank heaven, I had neither wife nor kid before you started… I was
afraid I’d end up with a husband next!

>Now search in the Zelda section of fanfiction.

Crow: Gee, he could’ve at least provided us with a link.

Tom: Come on, Crow, the time to provide a link is in the past.

Joel: Does somebody need an Ocarina of Time Out?

Bots: Sorry.

>See you there.

Joel: This is where the MSTing ends goodbye.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *


An older woman, dressed in a purple waistcoat, smiled to herself
as she chalked the end of her pool cue. A moment later, a tear
opened in reality as a young woman in a purple corset emerged
from it.

« Gypsy. » The young woman greeted flatly.

« Gypsy. » The older woman nodded in greeting, as she leaned
forward, preparing to sink a pool ball on a nearby pool table.

« You’re responsible for the recent displacement of Joel
Robinson from his universe? Risking his life and the potential
premature collapse of countless other hyper timelines? » The
younger Gypsy accused.

« Survey says… yep. » Older Gypsy said as she coolly sank a

« How did you…? »

« Sorry, no spoilers here. » Older Gypsy replied with a smirk
as she gestured at the pool table. « Care for a game? »

« You’re pretty flippant for someone that’s about to die. »
Young Gypsy replied coldly.

« Yeah, I suppose I should be a little more serious at this point,
so I’ll tell you now that I didn’t get your attention just to commit
suicide. » Older Gypsy replied calmly.

« Then why? »

Older Gypsy sighed and leaned on her pool cue. « I’m tired of
being alone. There, are you happy now? I know I have to suffer
the choices I’ve made, but does it really matter if I do it alone? Is
there no room for mercy in your heart to spare me an eternity of
loneliness? »

« Where was your mercy in your heart for THEM!? » Young
Gypsy angrily stalked over to a nearby window and ripped down
the curtains to reveal a haunting view of a burned out husk of a
planet that used to be Earth.

« Hey, I just wanted to RULE the world, how I was supposed
to know one bad film could orchestrate global destruction? Give
me a break! » Older Gypsy grumbled.

« And why should I grant your request and give you a chance
to torment someone else? » Younger Gypsy snapped.

« I’m not stupid, Gypsy. I know what you’ve become and
even I’m not foolish enough to challenge omnipotence. » Older
Gypsy sighed again as her shoulders slumped. « Believe me, I

don’t want to be dead. There’s no future in it. But I don’t want
to be alone either. That’s why I’m willing to humble myself for a
companion. So please… please grant my request. Hell, I’d even
take a robot friend at this point! » Older Gypsy exclaimed in

Young Gypsy stared at her older counterpart for a long
moment, weighing the consequences and looking for any signs
of deception. Finally she spoke again.

« Treating a companion well goes without saying, but you
must never interfere with another universe again. If you do,
companion or no companion, you’ll be finished. Understand? »

« Fair enough. » Older Gypsy nodded, her shoulders relaxing.
« When can I expect my companion? »

Young Gypsy was silent for a moment before a smile crossed
her face. « Soon… I think I know someone that can help. »

* * *

« There you go. » Joel said as he placed a small humanoid
robot dressed like a navel admiral on the pool table. « His mind
is a blank right now, but you can program any personality you

want into him to suit your needs. »

« It’s beautiful! What’s its name? » Older Gypsy inquired as
she eagerly approached it.

« I thought I’d leave that up to you. » Joel replied with a smile.

« Hmm… I believe I will call him… Robert.

« Heh, yeah, I had a feeling you’d… wait, what? Robert?
Not Richard Baseheart? » Joel replied, confused.

« Yes, Robert. He’s my favourite actor. » Gypsy replied as
she held the robot up to the light.

« De Niro? » Joel guessed.

« Ugh, no! Schneider, of course. » Older Gypsy replied.

Joel gasped in horror while Younger Gypsy leaned in close
to whisper « To be fair, De Niro does suck quite a bit more than
Schneider here. Alternate universe, remember?

« Oh… right. » Joel nodded in understanding. « Say, in this
universe, does… »

« Chewie shoots first. » Younger Gypsy finished for him.

« Really? Huh. » Joel fell silent again.

« Anyway, we should really get going. Are you satisfied with
your new companion? » Young Gypsy asked her older counterpart
even as she opened a new tear in reality.

« Hmm? Oh yeah, he’s perfect. Thank you for honouring my
request. I promise not to interfere with Joel’s universe again. »
Older Gypsy replied with a smile.

« OR any other universe. As you said, I’ll be watching. »
Younger Gypsy warned.

« Yes, yes, can I at least contact you or Joel if something
goes wrong with Robert that I can’t fix? Technically, he is
using technology unknown to me in this universe… » Older
Gypsy said.

« As long as said contact doesn’t disrupt the flow of time
and space, you can contact ME and ME alone. I don’t trust
you with Joel. » Younger Gypsy replied.

« Yeah, love all, trust a few, do wrong to none, that’s our
motto. » Older Gypsy replied sardonically as Younger Gypsy
shot her a look before grabbing Joel’s hand and taking him

through the tear, both of them disappearing a moment later.
Older Gypsy then placed the robot back on the pool table
and stepped back, admiring it.

« Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known
God. » she thought to herself with a smile, the infinite
possibilities running through her mind.

* * *


Joel Robinson yawned as he sat up in his bed. He
glanced around his room and heard a muffled voice coming
from behind his bedroom door. « Gypsy? » Joel muttered
as he stumbled out of bed and nearly tripped over a laundry
basket filled with jumpsuits ready to be washed. He walked
up to his door as it slid open, the light from the hallway
blinding him.

« Gypsy? Is that you? »


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