Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn’t what it used to be…)

« MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7 » (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 45: LOKI UNTIES FENRIS THE WOLF

(A Utena MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just
covering our collective asses here folks…

« Loki Unties Fenris the Wolf » is the property of Alithea. She has
given us permission to MST her work and we greatly appreciate it. 🙂

Warning: This fanfic is rated PG for mature content.

* * *

« Give us a break! » Dr. Clayton Forrester exclaimed as the camera
pulled back to reveal him standing behind TV’s Frank.

« Don’t try anything you’re about to see us do at home. » Frank
finished solemnly.

« ON THIS EPISODE OF MSTBUSTERS… » an announcer’s voice
suddenly chimed in.

« To the moon, FRANK! » Dr. Forrester exclaimed.

« DR. FORRESTER AND TV’S FRANK HAVE A HANKERING FOR GREEN
CHEESE AS THEY TACKLE SOME POPULAR MOON MYTHS!
COULD A COW ACTUALLY JUMP OVER THE MOON? »

« Bessie’s in for a bumpy ride. » Frank quipped as he stood nearby
a brown cow.

« CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE TO THE MOON WITH A SINGLE PUNCH? »

« OK, my strength didn’t do it, let’s try professional
heavyweight… » Dr. Forrester muttered.

« It’s busted! It’s busted! » Frank yelped.

« BUT FIRST! THE BUILD TEAM MUST PROVE THEIR MENTAL METTLE
AS DR. FORRESTER ONCE AGAIN ATTEMPTS TO PROVE THAT A BAD
FANFIC CAN DRIVE A PERSON INSANE. »

« Hey, blame it on the brain. » Dr. Forrester smirked.

« WHO ARE THE MSTBUSTERS? »

« Am I missing… an eyeball? » Frank chuckled.

« TV’S FRANK »

« I reject your catchphrase, and substitute pork belly! » Frank
exclaimed.

« DR. FORRESTER. »

« I’m no quack, damn you! » Dr. Forrester roared.

« BETWEEN THEM ALMOST 20 YEARS OF MSTING EXPERIENCE. »

« When will the hurting ever stop? » Frank whimpered.

« JOINING THEM… TOMMY BELLECI. »

« Anybody order some exploding underpants? » Tom inquired.

« GYPSY BYRON. »

« Richard Baseheart! Yay!! » Gypsy exclaimed.

« JOEL IMAHARA »

« I can’t believe Gamera ate the whole thing! » Joel quipped.

« AND CROW AS MSTBUSTER 2.0 »

« …. »

« THEY DON’T JUST READ THE FANFICS, THEY PUT THEM TO THE
TEST. »

« Clayton wants big boom. » Dr. Forrester grinned.

« Oh poopie. » Frank paled.

« MSTBusters »

* * *

D13 INDUSTRIES

Dr. Forrester and Frank stand behind a picnic table which has been
covered with sky blue paper. Dr. Forrester scribbles the words ‘MOON
MALEVOLENCE’ in silver marker on it.

« Wow, I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting to do this,
Steve! » Frank exclaimed, his eyes gleaming with excitement.

« Yep, I figured since we’ve already got a man up in space, we’d
send him on a field trip to the moon to bust some myths and earn us a
TON of frequent flyer miles in the process! » Dr. Forrester replied.

« What the hell will you do with thirty flights to Helsinki if you
never leave this basement? » Frank pointed out. « And how did we manage
to afford the cable extensions necessary to tether the Satellite of
Love all the way to the moon?

« If you have any problems, dial information, thank you for
calling. » Dr. Forrester replied in his best Gene Wilder impression
before activating the viewscreen. « This is the Hyneman calling Guinea
Pigs in Space! Do you read? »

« Surprisingly, yes, even when there’s something good on TV. » Joel
Robinson replied as he and his robots appeared on the bridge of the
Satellite of Love. « By the way, sirs, I can’t tell you how much I
appreciate you letting us visit the moon for your experiment! It’s a
dream come…! »

« Not so fast, Buzz Average! YOU will be testing an entirely different
myth during this trip! » Dr. Forrester snapped as the camera panned to
the blue paper again to show him scribbling the words ‘FANFIC OF FEAR’
while adding a few pictures of various stick figures either sobbing or
bowing down on all fours before the words.

« Are those stick figures laying down, drunk, or run over? » Crow
remarked.

« Wait a minute! Fanfic of Fear? Is this a MSTBusters Revisited?
Cause I’m pretty sure we already busted THAT myth many times over! »
Tom exclaimed.

« Ah, but you forget, robot, failure is ALWAYS an option on
MSTBusters! Besides, we can’t call it busted until we’ve tried every
manner of bad fanfiction known to mortal man… the fans would eat us
alive! »

« We love our fans! Especially laying down, drunk or run over! »
Frank exclaimed with a grin.

« Indeed. Anyway, your experiment this week is…. » Dr.
Forrester began.

« Hey, wait a minute! Aren’t you supposed to tell us about the
history of fanfiction first? In a series of video clips with a
voice-over like Mythbusters does? » Crow interrupted.

« You want history? Go visit Wikipedia! Who knows? Some of it
might even be true! » Dr. Forrester snapped.

« Besides, ‘Folklorist Torgo’ wanted too much money. » Frank
sheepishly added.

« Well, what about the invention exchange then? » Joel inquired.

« Let me guess, Imahara… it’s a robot. It’s ALWAYS a robot. »
Dr. Forrester growled.

« Well… yeah. But this one can run on salami and… and catch
falling bullets and… and slice fruitcake? » Joel lamely offered.

« Save it for sweeps, Joel. Cause this week you’ve got a date
with DESTINY. Nah, actually it’s just a goofy Utena chick fic that
has a license to drive… you insane. It’s a short drive to be sure
but then most accidents happen close to home, don’t they? And you
know what they say about women drivers… »

« They smell nicer than truck drivers? » Tom guessed.

« They pay half as much insurance as male drivers 16 to 25? » Crow
guessed.

« They drove us to school and took us to McDonalds once a week? »
Joel guessed.

« Your mom did that? » Dr. Forrester looked crestfallen for a
moment before quickly recovering and pasting a scowl back on his face.
« Where was I? Oh yes, it’s time to experience the tepid terror that
IS ‘Loki Unties the Wolf’! ‘The Fast and the Furious’, this ain’t!
But ‘Tokyo Drift’ fits quite well actually. Send ’em the fanfic,
Frank… »

« My mom would take me to Arby’s… actually, she left me there
one day and they were nice enough to give me a job so I could earn
enough money for bus fare home but she’d already moved away so I had
to go back and earn enough money to hire a private detective to track
her down. I came *THIS* close to finding her last year but someone
must’ve tipped her off cause… » Frank mused.

« Frank, the fanfic! »

« Hmm? Oh, right, sorry Steve. My bad. » Frank quickly retrieved
the fanfic from a nearly file cabinet and fed it into the console.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

As the viewscreen winked out, Joel turned to his robot friends
with a big smile. « Oh man, I’m glad the experiment’s short this week!
I can’t wait till we reach the moon! It’s gonna be so cool to
actually set foot on it! »

« What’s the big deal? It’s a oversized rock in desperate need
of vacuuming. » Tom muttered.

« Come on, Servo. Think of all the EXTREME sports you could do on
the moon! » Crow replied.

« Oh joy. Maybe we could film a Mountain Dew Ad with Vin
Diesel. » Tom replied sarcastically.

« Think of all the firsts we could accomplish on the moon! We’ll
make history! » Joel pointed out.

« Yeah, like being the first person to ‘moon’ the Earth from the
moon! » Crow replied with a giggle as alarms wailed and multicolored
lights flashed.

« OHHH, WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! » Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It’s a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything,
it’s yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It’s an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for
you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It’s made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch
as the pile slowly lowers until it’s half its original size and you
step over it.)

(Door 3: It’s filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It’s solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It’s a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It’s a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches
out of its center and pulls you inside.)

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

> Title: Loki Unties Fenris the Wolf

Crow: What a strange Christmas that was.

Joel: <Loki> You’ll get your goodies when I get my grandmother
back, buster!

> Rating: PG-13
> Utena and its characters do not me long to me.

Tom: Hoo boy… with dubbing that bad, there damn well better be some
chop socky.

> Shoujo-ai content warning. Hetero content warning.

Joel: That’s like putting a « Hey, check this crappy script! » sign
out for Ben Stiller.

Tom: This fanfic is bisexual for the orientationally impaired.

> The night and the wind rushing passed always reminded her of her high
> school days.

Crow: Geography, History, Political Science… right over her head
they’d whoosh.

> She would drive down winding roads into the country and then back to
> the city and she would practice a trick she learned when she was
> just fourteen.

Joel: Was this the trick with the cherry stem, or when she learned
how to scam ATM machines?

> She shifted the car into gear as the road reached a long
> straightaway.

Tom: She found a pack of five rockets, but slipped on the oil slick
next to it.

> Sometimes she thought she new the road better than herself.

Crow: Usually on those occasions when the seat belt AND the
windshield both broke.

Tom: <gravely voice> Whenever I smell asphalt, I think of Maureen.
That’s the last sensation I had before I blacked out; the thick smell
of asphalt…

> Sometimes on really dark summer nights she would find herself
> wishing for him.

Joel: Who? The road?

Crow: She REALLY got her kicks on Route 66.

> She didn’t know why. He had been such an evil man, but evil never
> bothered her.

Tom: Now unbathed… THAT bugged her.

> Only humans cared so much about that trivial verbiage, that
> philosophy to separate themselves from the truth, but the truth
> was so very evident.

Tom: Hugh Hefner is a big fruit.

Crow: People don’t hate Rachel Raye, they just want to sleep
with her.

Joel: Ru Paul was always a woman, just a REALLY ugly one.

> It was so very plain, and the truth was always so simple.

Tom: Gordon Ramsay just wants to be held, dammit!

Crow: Paula Abdul is stinking drunk every episode of American Idol.

> « We’re all just wild animals, » she whispered to the night as she
> turned up the volume on her radio.

Crow: And she’s driving a Cougar, how appropriate.

Joel: Did she just watch ‘Island of Dr. Moreau’ and have a
breakdown or something?

> With a deft and eager leap she did the trick.

Tom: Insane Stunt Bonus: $3

> Hopping over the windshield of her deep red convertible and sitting
> out on the hood of the car with her back against the glass.

Joel: She’s completely missed the point of a pressed ham!

Tom: Even Garfield isn’t crazy enough to try that stunt without
suction cups.

> She let her hair down and she laughed as the wind rushed by her for
> a few moments of the purest kind of freedom. And then she would hop
> back over and continue the drive.

Joel: I don’t believe that’s an approved use of cruise control.

Crow: You wouldn’t believe how much this screwed up McDonald’s
drive-thru cashiers.

> She left the radio blaring.

Tom: <Rush Limbaugh> Megadittoes!

Crow: Destiny would prefer you turn DOWN the radio.

> She did not love him, that evil man, the chairman of her school, a
> man that was known as the End of the World.

Crow: Mulligan?

Tom: You want us to hurt you, don’t you Crow?

> She could not love him, but she respected him.

Joel: For though he got a perfect score on Guitar Hero III, his
B.O. preceded him.

Tom: It wasn’t everyone who got to carry the nuclear football.

> She admired his talent, and the way that others acted as if he had
> some kind of magical power.

Crow: Oh my god, did you see the way he kept detaching his thumb!

Joel: And Christmas shopping in January when everything’s on
sale! Unbelievable!

> But the power he had, what he possessed was nothing extraordinary.
> He was just a magician, and a trickster, the master manipulator,

Joel: I got it! It’s Harry Anderson!

Crow: No no, it’s clearly Mark Hamill.

Tom: Mister Mistoffeles.

> and oh how easily he could make people dance.

Tom: He was known for his promenade call in five different counties.

Crow: Usually by emptying firearms with reckless abandon.

Joel: You know who else really got people moving? Stalin.

> He turned people into puppets, and she bit her lip as she conceded
> that she had allowed herself to be one of them.

Joel: She really disliked sharing a trunk with the woozle named
Peanut.

Tom: Thank heaven there were still enough parts to control when
the movie would begin and end.

> But she was not as blind to her role as some of the others were;
> after all she was Kozue Kaoru.

Tom: Which in Japanese meant « Girl Named Kozue ».

Crow: Though her stage name was Mimi for some bizarre reason.

> She had a bad reputation at the school. She wanted a bad reputation
> and she honed her amateurish skills by manipulating her twin brother.

Crow: <Kozue> Twin brother… you’re fired.

Joel: And where did Gleek fit into all this? Don’t ask.

> She loved him, but she hated him.

Crow: Somebody slip us a pitch for the next Degrassi spin-off?

> Even though there was something that had changed in her heart part
> of her still felt the same. Part of her was still raw, because her
> brother wouldn’t see her.

Tom: Is the other part Smackdown?

Joel: Either that or Delirious.

> He would not acknowledge the darkness in their lives. He only saw
> the light. She could have stabbed him to death and he still would
> only have seen her light. She hated that.

Crow: <brother, singing Eric Idle> Thaaaat’s DEATH! Say farewell
to all your BILLS!

Joel: Carol Anne Syndrome is a terrible burden to all.

Tom: <brother> The Band, Elwood! *gurk* The… Band….

> She loathed the optimism, because things were not so bright. Things
> were never so bright.

Crow: Someone’s a Bill O’Reilly fan…

Tom: She should squeeze some Rick Mercer into her daily schedule..

> Darkness led her to seek the chairman out.

Joel: <Kozue> Uh, thanks for the offer, anybody got a light?

> She’d heard some of the girls talking about him and her curiosity
> drove her into something she probably was not ready for.

Crow: …the wall?

> The lessons were like salvation though. The lessons she learned in
> his car were unforgettable.

Tom: The trunk-release catch from the inside, for instance.

Crow: She could never look at a glove box the same way again.

Joel: I can only imagine the road test for « salvation ».

> How she had wished she could be like him, to be a trickster, and
> magician. To make people fall under a spell that didn’t want to
> break.

Joel: To enslave their minds and conquer the wor… hey, wait a
minute!

Tom: This guy only sounds slightly less evil than Willy Wonka.

> She was an adult now and no longer a sly little girl, but a woman
> with a few tricks up her sleeve.

Crow: Still looking for rabbits in all the wrong hats.

> She created illusions and people called her magical. It wasn’t the
> same as he had done though.

Joel: He could never pull off the blue fuku and boots.

Tom: She got a lot more pies in the face for one thing.

> He could tease and tantalize and be called a prince, girls it seemed
> could only be princesses or witches.

Joel: A young Princess Toadstool vowed to the heavens to change
that, right before her weekly kidnapping with Bowser.

> She laughed then, at that thought, forgetting; princes and witches
> were human titles. She… was a wild animal. She would always be
> wild, the wolf just off the path.

Tom: The cat on the catwalk. The bunny at the mansion…

Crow: Poor thing’s had the same Duran Duran song on autoplay for
weeks now…

> Kozue pulled a sharp u-turn pushing the sports car to its limit and
> she speed back towards were she had started from.

Crow: The dealership?

Tom: I’ve never seen a story illustrate « drift » as well as this one.

Joel: Suddenly I’m not so fond of Girls… Girls in Cars….

> The night was refusing to get colder. It was very warm. She
> considered trying the trick again but decided against it.

Crow: <Kozue> I will not sideswipe the ice cream truck… I will
NOT sideswipe the ice cream truck…

> She remembered how fast her heart had beat when she had first seen
> him do that trick.

Joel: Some people are absolute suckers for colored hankies.

Tom: *BANG* And that makes six! Volia! The bullets have
magically disappeared!

> The way she thought the car would crash, and the overwhelming
> satisfaction that came as she realized how he did it.

Joel: By putting a deer directly in front of it.

Tom: By putting the car in the new « Die Hard » movie.

Crow: By shaking the hand of his stunt double and saying ‘Good
luck, Mr. Needham.’

> It was still dangerous there was no doubt about that, but learning
> that is was a trick… that is was just a bit of acting on top of
> a practiced skill was a wonder.

Joel: You have to wonder.

Tom: She thinks that’s good, wait till he gets to the cups and balls.

> It made her all the more eager to learn from him. She wondered often
> what would have happened if things at the school had not changed.

Tom: Was this when the school became nothing more than a dream
and no one could leave?

Joel: <Sean Penn> Dude.

> She wondered if he would consider teaching her everything he knew.
> Would he concede all that precious information to a girl?

Crow: I wonder how long she’s been listening to Del Shannon
records…

Joel: Would he risk the dreaded ‘cootie’ germs and invite her up
to his clubhouse to make out?

> She was uncertain, but he was certainly willing to give some of it
> up.

Crow: Lesson 1: How to encourage a slow driver with your bumper.

> And she prided herself on taking on lessons that even the student
> council president would not. She wondered if her willingness to
> learn made him think any more of her.

Tom: You know, I’m getting the feeling that we’re not talking about
computing a square root here.

Joel: Him, her, he, she… mind if we learn about an antecedent or
two eventually?

> Of course he probably did not. He only thought of himself.

Crow: That selfish bastard, whomever he is!

> She sometimes wished she could run into him one day. She hoped for a
> moment to swagger up to him and show him how much she had learned
> over the years.

Tom: Such as clog dancing, the need for world peace, and how to
wave like a moron.

> Knowing that anything she had to show him would never impress him,
> but maybe he would be amused by it. Maybe…

Crow: Show and Trauma anyone?

Tom: What is that? A doctorate in Bio Chemistry? Bwa ha ha ha!

> She had to stop the car, pulling off to the side of the road and
> looking up into the dark sky that would not let the starlight
> through.

Joel: You should really call AAA about that.

Crow: Oh, she’s driving in Los Angeles!

> Even so far from the city lights the night refused to show the
> stars.

Tom: Damn that writer’s strike.

Crow: But I’ve got plenty of singles…

> A tear ran down her face. A tear for him? No, it was for herself.

Joel: I’ve got some Scotch tape for that tear…

Crow: Just another Tuesday for Joan Rivers.

Joel: Tonight, on a very special episode of ‘Nip/Tuck’…

Tom: In her case, it’s far closer to « Fold/Mutilate ».

> It was for all those lovers she could never really love.

Tom: And all those abusers she could never really abuse.

Crow: Kozue: Warrior, poet, chick.

> All those hearts she tricked and left and played merry little games
> with. Some of those hearts that she wanted, somewhere deep inside,
> to love back.

Tom: Her time posing as a boy for a newspaper article was at an end?

Joel: Goodness, all this moralizing… why haven’t we thrown some
Ritalin at these issues?

> There were a few…they dotted her conscience and reminded her that
> she was still learning to be wild. Even at her age she was learning
> to let go of that pressure to be tamed.

Crow: This poor girl really needs a day at the salon.

> A wolf would not regret. Or perhaps a wolf would not remember. She
> wasn’t quite so sure anymore.

Joel: Hell, she doesn’t even know what time it is.

Tom: Maybe she should check out Wolfipedia.

> Kozue shut her eyes and fought against changing the song that played
> on the radio. It was cutting at her.

Joel: That’s the first time I’d heard Clay Aiken’s music being
compared to the Smiths.

Crow: Just another day in the life of a Bjork fan.

> She missed him. She missed that rose scent that on anyone else would
> have been too floral. She missed the way he knew just where a kiss
> should go, and just where to touch her.

Joel: She missed all the intricate yellow stains on his wifebeater.

Tom: Seal preferred to have his flowers handle the foreplay.

> She gritted her teeth as the thought of him faded to that of another.
> The other so very unlike him and yet… There was only that other
> that found such a way beneath her skin and so differently…

Crow: He hollowed her out and lived in her? Freaky.

Joel: But for Cryptosporidium-138, she was just another clean snatch.

> She recalled how there were nights when she wished she could have
> had them both, together. But while he was sure to play and indulge
> in such a thing, he would never stay. He wouldn’t ever be roped into
> staying, not for anyone.

Tom: As Seinfeld taught us, threesomes are nothing but annoyance
and inconvenience.

> She wanted a pack. She needed more than one person always and she
> had found the perfect two only at different times in her life and
> with the knowledge that it would never work out the way she wanted.

Joel: We’re now reading the unpublished diaries of Joyce DeWitt.

> He had been such a force in her early high school years, but the
> other… well the other had made the frustrations of college seem
> like nothing.

Crow: Mr. Peabody and Sherman were fierce rivals.

Joel: <Kozue> Pity both of them lost their jobs by sleeping with me.

> She started the car and began to drive again. She had to.

Crow: The power of Chrysler compelled her!

Tom: And just like Rocky, « No Easy Way Out » began playing as she
downshifted about thirty-seven times.

> It was easier to think of Juri when she was moving fast. It helped
> to dull the ache that might come from lingering too long on
> everything she had ruined.

Crow: She would never fully recover from her burnt toast.

Joel: <Kozue> It was supposed to pop up… it was s-supposed
to… *sob*….

> And when she ruined something she smashed it all the way to the
> foundations.

Crow: Ah, the George Lucas effect.

Tom: Someone finally explains « Godzilla 2000 ».

> Juri Arisugawa… She was… She was an unexplainable force of
> nature. Not like the chairman had been.

Joel: He was a bit closer to a drip in the bucket.

> The chairman made it impossible not to like him, and even if someone
> thought he was a jerk he still found a way of making that person
> move to a beat he was playing.

Crow: Usually in the street. With heavy traffic.

> But Juri…Juri was different. Juri was subtle. Juri was quiet.

Joel: Juri was baked.

> She snuck in under the skin until it was impossible to let go of
> her, all that silent and stoic wordless affection.

Tom: And the cold nose, and the licking of the face… much like
having a Tom Cruise for a pet.

> She could say she loved without actually saying that she loved you.
> She could never say the words. It was as if she was always afraid
> they’d break whomever she directed them at.

Crow: Is she packing a particularly nasty Care Bear stare or
what?

Joel: Aww, don’t worry… after Anne Heche, Ellen is ready for
anything.

> She could be a strong and curt woman in the fencing hall. She could
> be a cold panther, and statuesque angel to the entire outside world.

Tom: To the point that giant robots needed to take her out?

Crow: But when you got her in front of a music video, just listen to
the chuckling.

> And she would use that image to make people fear her. If people
> feared her they wouldn’t get close to her. If no one was close then
> Juri could never be hurt, and that was just it.

Tom: Would’ve it be far less complicated and amusing to claim
she has gas?

Crow: She taught me how to truly love a woman. From across the
street, through a telescope.

> She made herself into such a fortress that no one could see how
> broken she really was until someone got up close (and that rarely
> happened).

Joel: She had been transformed once too often and many of her
small pieces were missing.

> The curves became sharper as the car plummeted down hill, and she
> occasionally found herself pressing on the break as a small amount
> of fear rose in her chest.

Crow: Thelma cheered from the backseat.

Tom: Y’know, I’m getting the idea that seeing a duel is about as
likely as this chick going super-Saiyan on us.

> She was going too fast, but she couldn’t slow down. Slowing down was
> beneath her.

Joel: Yep, the brake’s usually on the floor.

Crow: First the air conditioning and now she’s too good for
brakes? Geez, what a snot!

> She thought of the fencer more. She thought of those soft lips, and
> that way…That way that the panther would wrap her arms up around
> Kozue’s waist. It staked a claim and left invisible marks all over her.

Tom: Fortunately, invisible scabs were all but impossible to pick at.

> She hadn’t been so monogamous in her entire young life. But with
> Juri what else was there to need?

Crow: Depending on her mood, either a pack of hot dogs or a pound
of cucumbers.

> How could she want anything more than what Juri gave because the
> panther gave it all away, and that’s why the panther got hurt?

Joel: Oh goodness… this metaphor just wore thinner than Paris
Hilton.

Tom: I thought the Panthers were hurt by bad QB play.

> That was why it was so easy for her to break the fencer in two when
> she began to feel too smothered by love and light.

Crow: The pillow pressed against her face didn’t help matters either.

> All that endless light Juri radiated, like her brother. She couldn’t
> handle the light. She wanted it so much, but she could not allow it.

Joel: The only other downside was that her potted ficus was
healthier than ever.

> She sucked in a sharp breath as she came to a screeching halt at the
> bottom of the hill. The red light stared back at her with unending
> prejudice.

Tom: <red light> Your mama.

Joel: <Kozue> The light… I can’t take it anymore!

> She looked at the clock on the dashboard and quirked an eyebrow, and
> then when the light turned green she sped off along the road back
> into civilization.

Crow: …and immediately crashed into a random wonder of the
world… just laying around.

Tom: Curse these momentary lapses in road rage!

> She hated regret. In her self especially it marked a type of defeat.

Tom: As opposed to a time to reflect, analyze, and learn.

Joel: She’s a one woman shutout.

Crow: Dammit, she’s going to drive her bad decisions all the way
until she can’t afford the $449 monthly payments!

> The lights of the city grew and soon she was in a bustling downtown
> area with a few clubs and bars dotting a long strip of restaurants
> and shops. She parked in a near by garage and then left for the
> pulse of the dance floors.

Tom: Stop. Hammer time.

Joel: The only one that can make her night now is Deney Terrio.

> Would she find them there? Would she enter a club and see them
> sitting at opposite sides of a room waiting for her to make some
> kind of permanent choice? Would she ever find them sitting together
> at a table having drinks?

Tom: Would she avoid the attention of the creepy guy that hits
on everyone? Would she keep her drink from being spiked? Would she
end up going home with a guy that bursts into tears when she tries to
leave the next morning?

Crow Would she please… GET ON WITH IT!!!

> No. No, she’d never find them. It would never really be them. She
> would find pale doppelgangers, and dim witted clones.

Joel: She had a cut-rate contract with Gendon.

Tom: <Kozue> Me am Superman?!?

> She would find pretty young faces and eager young bodies that would
> flock to her and ask (without asking) for a lesson. And she knew how
> to teach these days.

Crow: Liberal use of the ruler, and pick one freshman boy per year
to seduce to keep ’em all honest.

> She knew how to really drive the lessons home. She’d spin some
> magic, she’d perform a trick, and she’d make the puppets around her
> dance.

Crow: Forget teaching, she’d make a hell of a British Nanny.

Tom: You… you mean, heartless… making poor puppets dance against
their will, forcing them to amuse rapscallions and hoodlums alike!
You sicken me!

> Kozue hated nights like this, nights when she had spent too much
> time driving and remembering.

Joel: So she wrote a fanfic about it which was still less nerdy than
a Facebook entry.

Tom: She has GOT to stop taking the « Zodiac Killer Nature Tour »
every time she goes to San Francisco.

> She hated the summer for all its warmth and eagerness, for the scent
> of youth and passion that it would drive forth.

Crow: She couldn’t help it if she was allergic, dammit!

Tom: Move to Minnesota already!

> Nights when all she could do was sacrifice some unsuspecting beauty
> to her memories and her dreams, and she would leave that poor soul
> burning for more of what he or she would never again receive.

Tom: Meth is a hell of a drug, huh?

Crow: Ahh, she was the town’s air-conditioner repairman on a
three-month vacation.

> She entered a club and bought a drink. She slammed it down and then
> took up safe haven on the dance floor.

Joel: <Kozue> Surely I’ll be safe in this unwashed mass of gropers!

Crow: You’d think, but when Dustin Diamond clobbers you while trying
to execute the Cha-Cha Slide, don’t come crying to us.

> Who was the girl she just kissed? Who was that boy dancing so close?
> She would never know, because she’d close her eyes and see him.
> She’d close her eyes and feel her.

Joel: And this is why you shouldn’t accept $35 from strangers.

> And in the morning when she woke up in some strange bed and in the
> lock of a foreign embrace she’d be herself again. She’d be okay and
> she wouldn’t care that she was going to hurt someone.

Tom: Namely whoever set her up with the Iron Sheik.

Crow: Y’know, Heath Ledger found himself in this very same spot…

> The beat went on and she went on.

Crow: Well, the rush was on… and she hoped to beat the rush.

Joel: Yet another thing for Sonny and Cher to protest against.

> And then there was a familiar scent in the air. It was far too real
> to have been imagined, and it was drawing nearer to her.

Tom: Yep, that’s desperation all right.

> That rose scent that would have been too floral if it were on anyone
> else but…

Tom: <Arnold Schwarzenegger> I told you I’d be back.

> She turned around and she was already in his arms. They moved
> together as if they had never been apart, as if they were always
> dancing in the same rhythm. He looked the same and she nearly felt
> ashamed for aging even the slightest bit.

Crow: Until she realized that she wasn’t turning seventeen for
another eight months.

> « Would you like to revolutionize the world with us, » he asked and
> his voice moved through her until she shivered.

Joel: The Revolution will NOT be globalized!

Tom: What if he threw a revolution and no one came?

> Before she could answer Kozue felt a hand on her shoulder. She
> turned around. It was not Juri. She didn’t think it would be. It
> was someone else.

Crow: <cop> You the girl parked illegally outside?

> A woman she vaguely remembered from her days at Ohtori. Someone
> older, refined, and elegant who also did not seem to have aged
> passed what she remembered.

Joel: <lady> Hey, dearie, you want the meatloaf or the Chef’s
Surprise?

> There was something about that woman, something tantalizing that
> reminded her of how she wished Juri could be.

Crow: Must’ve been her hairnet.

Joel: So she went through all that angst and regret only to turn
lesbian seconds after finding her dream man?

Tom: We’re dealing with a high-school girl here, known for being
rocks of emotional stability.

> She licked her lips and then her eyes moved from the woman towards
> the chairman, but no, not the chairman. This was not Ohtori any
> longer.

Joel: Wait, don’t tell me. He was a Kung-Fu Creature on the
Rampage?

Crow: It was Abe Vigoda. They’re easily confused for each other.

> He was simply Akio. He was simply the trickster, and he grinned
> because he saw her arrive at the conclusion. He saw her understand
> what he was offering her.

Tom: <girl> A cast list? About flippin’ time.

> « Will you help us revolutionize the world so that you might receive
> your wish, » he asked again with a sly grin that she understood all
> too well.

Tom: Last time somebody tried a revolution, we got a really
shitty Aerosmith game.

Crow: <girl> Dammit, Kyle, you’re going revolutionizing in THAT?
Why not just hold up a sign saying, « You’re being taken over by hicks
from Arkansas. » Hmph.

> And then woman next to her whispered something into her ear. It was
> a soft question, the gentle push of a promise that would probably
> never come true.

Crow: Of course, the girl couldn’t take the chance that she wasn’t a
fashion model agent.

Joel: <Girl> I had no idea I could get an « A » in Lunchroom. How’s
that possible?

> Her eyes shut as she let the music take her back over. She reached
> out her arms and they followed her into > the center of dance floor.
> They moved against her in time, each touch a reminder of her dreams
> and their lips would meet hers, every kiss a call to a wish she’d
> never make out loud.

Tom: <singing> What is love… ooh baby, don’t hurt me…

Crow: No! It’s our worst fear come true, a remake of Romy and
Michele’s High School Reunion! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

> There was pleasure in every moment as they lingered together on the
> dance floor. She thought she could feel the music growing louder,
> but it was just a trick. She thought she could feel the world move
> in slow motion, but it was just a trick.

Crow: She thought she could feel her bra being removed but it
was just a… no, wait…

Joel: It was the magic world of Rohypnol.

> She thought and she thought and finally… she opened her eyes and
> said:

Tom: <Kozue> Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité.

> « Yes. We’ll take back the world… together. »

Tom: You can have Minnesota, Jesse Ventura already touched it.

Crow: Famous Last Words, edition 87: What Bill said to Hillary
before Super Tuesday.

Joel: They flung it up on the roof again, could you hold this
ladder steady for me?

> End…

Tom: Please?

Joel: Is that it? Wow.

Crow: But Kozue and her car will be back in ‘Drive Dance Revolution’!

Joel: I would’ve preferred Drive Dance *Resolution* myself.

Tom: I was expecting Ridge Racer.

Crow: Wait, wasn’t someone supposed to tie up a wolf or something?

Tom: Like I care. Let’s get out of here.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

« Have you ever noticed that « Norse » actually doesn’t rhyme with
« worse »? What’s the deal with that? Tom remarked as Joel placed
him down on the counter.

« Now that you mention it… neither does « horse »! Hmm, I think I
smell a conspiracy in this… » Crow muttered to himself.

« So, uh, how do you want to call this myth, guys? » Joel
interrupted.

« Huh? Oh that. Well Joel, the odds of a fanfic actually driving
the average person of sound mind insane is pretty farfetched… » Tom
replied.

« Fair enough, but how does that relate to us? » Crow pointed out.

« Well, it didn’t drive US insane, either. » Joel pointed out.
« And since we’ve endured years of bad fanfiction over the years and
are still relatively sane, I think we can absolutely and decisively
call it totally… »

« Inconclusive. » Dr. Forrester interrupted with a smirk as the
viewscreen came to life.

« Yep, inconclusive. Guess we’ll have to revisit this one again. »
Frank echoed nervously as he made an exaggerated show of nodding
his agreement to Dr. Forrester.

« …inconclusive. » Joel sighed.

« Hey, buck up, Joel. At least we can still do the moon myths! »
Crow pointed out.

« Actually, we can’t anymore. Those damn sticklers at the FDA…
they don’t mind cows going OUT of the country, but if you have one
coming in they’ll fine you to the ground if it’s not certified mad-cow
free. » Dr. Forrester muttered under his breath.

« Can’t we at least see if there’s a wandering senshi on the moon’s
surface? » Joel asked, a sinking feeling threatening to overcome him.

« Nope. » Dr. Forrester chuckled. « But feel free to gaze at its
majesty while you can as we reel you back to Earth. Frank, you got
a bite? »

« Oh yah, she’s a beaut! Gotta be… ohhh, ’bout t’irteen pounds
or so! » Frank warbled in his best Minnewegan as the Satellite of Love
suddenly shuddered and lunged forward as if stung, sending Joel and
Crow tumbling to the ground while Tom hovered unsteadily in place.
As Joel got back to his feet, his face fell as he watched the moon
slowly but surely shrinking from the window.

« Man, this really… bites. » Joel snapped as he slumped over the
counter, his head resting on top of his folded arms. Concerned, Crow
and Tom strolled over to their friend’s side.

« Hey, don’t be upset, Joel. Can’t we just recreate the moon’s
surface in the Holocabana? » Tom said reassuredly.

« Yeah, you won’t even need to wear a spacesuit or anything
since it’s all an illusion anyway! » Crow added.

Joel lifted his head from his arms with a sheepish expression
on his face. « Oh yeah… I completely forgot about that. Still…
it’s not real. »

« So what is? » Crow replied.

Joel couldn’t help but smile. « Good point. Let’s have some
fun! » Joel exclaimed as he stood up and followed his friends down
the hall towards the Holocabana doors.

..AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE…

We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

I’ve been MSTing for almost eleven years now and I want to thank each
and every person who’s send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. 🙂

I’d like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who’s in-depth C&C and
riffs for this MSTing are always appriciated and for making the
MSTing process so much fun! 🙂

– Zoogz’s ‘Mystery Science Cinema’ series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
‘Friends, Family and San Francisco’ and ‘Eye of the Tiger’.

Other recent MSTings we’ve done:
– ‘The Life I Left Behind’ (Multi X-Over)
– ‘Eye of the Tiger’ (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears)
– ‘Wild Senshi’ Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh)
– ‘My Kid’s An Alien!’ Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura)
– ‘Friends, Family and San Francisco’ Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon)
– ‘Dragon of the Night’ (Naruto)

***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we’ve contributed
to can be found in the various categories at:***

‘A MSTing for All Seasons’
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

‘Everything What Is Crap!’
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/

« > She sucked in a sharp breath as she came to a screeching halt at the
> bottom of the hill. The red light stared back at her with unending
> prejudice. »

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2008 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.

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